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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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hi there. im in a relationship for 4 years.we ended two years

Customer Question

hi there.
im in a relationship for 4 years.we ended two years ago because we grew apart and got back together after 4 months,because my bf saw that he needed to dedicate more time to us etc...
we have a age diference of 20years,but we are both young in spirit etc...but he doesnt want kids or marriage,and because i loved him,i accept it,,,,he is a very kind men, he is amazing in everything he does to me and others,but in a love life he is very weak,in a way that he doesnt know to do be romantic,cuddle,just sit on the sofa with me,,,,etc.... he is a hardworking guy,,, but my feelings are gone, now i feel sorrow and pity for him,becasue im 30 and he is 50 and im afraid to leave him,,,,,to hurt him,,,,, how to i break up with him,without hurting him,,,,please help me.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Jen Helant replied 5 years ago.
I understand what you are going through and it must feel like a very difficult and sad situation. Unfortunately there is no way to break up with him without hurting him. If you feel that you would like to fix things and make it work then I would say try to stay and make it work since he has such good qualities. You can even try couples counseling. However, if you are sure your feelings are gone and you have no interest at all to continue then the quicker you tell him then the better it will be for both of you. I understand it will be very difficult to tell him and he will be hurt, but if you stay longer and procrastinate then it will just be depriving him of someone who will love him. So in turn instead of of helping the situation you will be hurting the him even more in the long run. Sit down and talk to him had Let him know as soon as you can. Tell him in a loving way exactly hiw you feel pretty much the same thing you wrote to me and Let him know that you will always be there for him and you will continue to be his friend. If indeed that is what YOU want. There is no way not to hurt him, but in time it will he best for him. He is still young and can find someone right for him. It will be best in time for the both if you. I wish you all the best in what yiuare going to do and wish happiness for the both of you.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

First you have to decide what you want because that option starts your decision making process. If you want to stay and make it work then you have to find the common interests that you have even if there is an age difference. Anyone can learn to be romantic or to show their feelings in actions. The point is that you both have to be in this 100% or nothing will change. It is okay to acknowledge that you really want to move on. Stay for genuine reasons and be honest with him. It will be hurtful but you can't waste time convincing yourself that this is right. He will be hurt worse if you continue with something that isn't working. If you want to give this a try you can access countless therapy sights for professional help. My advice is to do what your heart tells you to do.

The age difference and your inability to share common experiences like children or successes can be the reason for this difference in what you think love is and what he thinks love is. You are in two different phases of your life but you have to be honest with him regardless of the reason. If you want a resource for improving communication than the Mars and Venus series is excellent. Make an informed decision based on what your heart tells you to do. You should approach him about your concerns and make active solutions. If you work together change can happen.

If you do not provide positive feedback I am not compensated

Expert:  Jen Helant replied 5 years ago.
HI...I just wanted to follow up with you and see if I could help any further. The only way I am compensated is if you provide me with positive feedback. That would be greatly appreciated. However, if I can help any further then please let me know. Thanks so much. Again all the best!