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Jen Helant
Jen Helant, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1386
Experience:  I have a degree in psychology and worked with many couples. I am happily married and have been for 10 years.
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Im 22 years old and Im engaged to a 20 year girl that I truly

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I'm 22 years old and I'm engaged to a 20 year girl that I truly love from all my heart.
Our wedding is in about 5 months time, and unfortunately we are not communicating well.
She is very emotional and I'm unfortunately influenced by my family (sometimes I feel lost and without an opinion). My family have always said to me that you are so nice and we are afraid that she'll take charge and you'll be undermind, bascilly I'll go by her rules.

Me and my Fiancée have been planning for over a year that after I finish my udergraduate degree in the UK (I finished last May) I'll continue my masters degree and she'll move to the UK with me to compelete her studies. However, when I returned to the Arab Gulf I've realised that there are lots of opportunities that I should take advantage of, so I decided to talk to people with experience in life in order to take a final decision on holding my masters degree plans until I get the experience needed.

While I was talking to different I was indicating to her that we may change our plans, she asked me do you wanna stay in the Arab Gulf I said until now no but I'll keep on talking to people. So after a while I told her I would like to discuss with you a matter: first I would like to tell you that I was thinking emotionally about us living abroad (both of us had the belife that living abroad away from any influence is good for our relationship)
I said the reason why I was thinking emtionally because our plan is not good for us in the long run and I explained that resons why, such as the harsh economic condtion in the UK it will be much harder for me to find a job in the UK than in the Arab Gulf and the opportunities in the latter are enormous.

After I told her that she said to me that you already took a decision and you are just trying to make me feel that you are taking my opinion. So she decided to switch her phone off for two days.

After two days we talked and she said you destroyed an image of us that I've built in my mind and our relationship should be above any opportunity. She felt that I prefered the opportunities in the Arab Gulf over her and all I'm thinking about is money.
My reposne was think about it logically in 3 years time if I have a masters degree without a job and without experience think will impact our relationship negativly.

So she started saying annoying things to me so I got upset at her then a day later she apologised and wanted to convinve me to stick to our previous plan so I said to her the same things over and over again of why we should take advantage of the opportunity in the Arab Gulf so she got upset then I got upset at her again and was cold with her for three days.

After that we resolved the propblem without agreement and agrred to dicusucc this issue when she returns from the States.

At that point my family knew about everything cuz when I was upset I told them about what happend and my elder sister were saying that both of you are too young and you should think a million times before you get married. Moreover, my farher have expressed his fear that she'll control me and he.

Today unfortunalty I wanted to be honest with her about something she did and I disliked her repsonse was why are you being honest and these things just a couple of months before our marriage so I said I'm always honest but I tell you about the things that I dislike as we go. She is upset now and she said to me the thing I'm upset about the most is that you said to me "I want to discuss so and so with you before our marriage" she didn't like that she felt that I wasn't sure if I want to marry her or not.

I really feel lost and I feel that both of us can't comminucate well when in conflict.
I really think your family has every right to be concerned. Based on what you wrote it seems to me that you are thinking logically about your relationship and about life. Yes, our relationship with our spouse comes first. However, you need to physically be able to live in the world and you were thinking of how you will financially support her in the future and the option you presented showed more potential for your future. She has a right to speak to you about it and present other options, but to shut down and say things that are not nice and accuse you of not taking your relationship serious I do not agree with that. Also, if you are honest and tell her truths as they come up in the relationship about what you may not like that is completely fair. Everyday we learn about our partners and we learn things we like and things we dislike. If we never bring them up then we can never grow closer to our partners. Marriage takes a lot of work and ups and downs. However, both partners need to be able to communicate about everything good and bad. We may not always like what our partner says, but we need to listen that way we can learn and grow ourselves indiviually and as a couple. She does not seem open to listening and communicating based on what you wrote. It seems like she has an idea in her head of the way she wants you both to be and does not want to hear different. Unfortunantely life is not like that. There are a lot of twists and turns as well as things we learn each day. We need to be open to communicate and listen to one another. Even if we do not agree with our partners we can not disregard them we need to be able to speak about the differences and make a compromise. I think that you both are very young to make this big decision. If we like it our not our family sees things from the outside that we may not see, so it is good to not just listen and do what they say, but rather anaylze the situation better from their point of view to see if there is any real truth to what they are saying. People tend to be blinded in relationships, so it is very important to take a step back from time to time and be outside looking in. What I would suggest to you is to take some time and think this over. You do not need to decide right now if you want to marry her or not. You may love her and she may love you, but I would definitly take some time thinking, communicting with her, and just pushing off the wedding to more in the future since you are having these issue and again you are both so young. I hope this helped you and I wish you both all the best!
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