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I have been in a bad place the last 6 months and i was hoping

she would notice and make...
I have been in a bad place the last 6 months and i was hoping she would notice and make things better. I didn't know how to express what i was feeling because i have tried covering my problems by smoking cannabis. Instead of talking to her i pushed her away in ways i will never forgive myself for and in ways that made her feel ugly and horrible about herself.

I have hurt her so much emotionally the last 6 months that she has built up a wall and doesn't want to let me in, she has even admitted to going out on a date to see if he made her feel the way i have the last 6 months.

I know i need to give her space but i work from home and she has no where else to go and every time i see her i cant help but try and work things out which is probably pushing her further away.

I have now explained to her calmly the reasons for why i have acted so badly but im afraid its too late. I know there is no quick fix and i need to fix myself and get back to the man she fell in love with 6 years ago but i just don't know how to fix things between us, please can you help?

Steve
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Answered in 13 minutes by:
7/2/2012
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,689
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

I am sorry to hear of the pain you are in but glad you are beginning to look at things in the hope of repairing things for yourself and your relationship.

CoachJenK :

hi

Customer:

Hi

Customer:

ive given up cannabis completely and have promised her that i am getting stronger every day and if she could just understand and give me some time to sort myself out i will make her the happiest girl alive. I know things will never be perfect but she just doesn't seem to want to take it in? is there anything more i can do?

CoachJenK :

She is hurt and confused and unable to trust right now based on how things have been in the past 6 months. I am glad to hear you have given up cannabis that will certainly help. In terms of what to do moving forward...

CoachJenK :

would she be willing to go to couples counseling?

Customer:

I dont know, she has been going to counselling herself which has made her stronger and im very proud of what she has achieved the last few weeks. i am willing to do anything to get her back but until she drops the wall im scared to suggest anything to her

CoachJenK :

I think the fact that she is in individual counseling is a good indication that she might be open to it. I understand how you are scared to bring it up. so maybe we go this way....you let things be for a bit...give her the space she needs, try not to engage in the deeper discussions for a time and then maybe as she feels she has some room to figure things out she might be able to drop that wall.

CoachJenK :

I know you want to help her drop the wall because you feel so sad for how you have behaved but it will happen in her own time. She can see the changes you have made.

Customer:

I want to give her the space she needs but the fact she has been on a date with someone, and she doesn't know if she will go on another one with him, im worried

Customer:

that giving her time will just mean i lose her altogether

CoachJenK :

I truly understand that and I feel for you...it must be devastating to have that worry, but holding on tighter could have the opposite effect and cause her to retreat further.

CoachJenK :

that is a common fear that if we give space and time that we will lose our loved one but it really gives the space they need to feel what they feel and come back if it feels right.

CoachJenK :

as you have seen as you reach out and try and work it all out the wall remains.

CoachJenK :

so we need to respect what she needs now although it is not what you want and it is painful.

Customer:

I know but its really hard, i just want her to understand, i will try and thank you for your advice

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,689
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified
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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,689
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Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

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