How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask John-Michaels Your Own Question
John-Michaels, Counselor (LPC)
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 563
Experience:  25+ years helping resolve relational issues.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
John-Michaels is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

i am involved in a love triangle. met her late 2008. at that

This answer was rated:

i am involved in a love triangle. met her late 2008. at that time she was also seeing another. basically she carried on a relationship with both of us, but i will say it seems always she slightly preferred him over me but always seemed to hang on to me. we started a sexual relationship during this and this continued even after she eventually decided to move in with this guy. all along she would make a decision not to see me any more but after a few weeks to a couple months she gets back in touch and we have a fling for a while then back with the other guy. then 1 1/2 yrs ago because of a simple misunderstanding she returned home from a visit with me and within 1 week married the other guy. I decided to move on, was enjoying skiing in CO when she abruptly called me 18 days later saying she made a bad mistake, did not love him did not want to be married to him. they had had a big discussion and both agreed marriage was a mistake and had agreed to end the marriage. she professed her love for me said she wanted to be married to me. she asked me to pack up all my stuff in CO come home to MS and when marriage was annulled(Las Vegas will annull). long story short this senario has occurred another 5-6 times and each time the husband uses tactics to talk her out of it or threaten her in whatever level of threat he can. he does know that she has continued to be in touch with me all this time mentally phone talk text and email. up until last part of 2011 we had continued to be intimate but have not since before Thanksgiving 2011. why? his threats to force her back to him when they decide to divorce are that he will sue me, put me her and her family(married daughter & family and married son & family) in local and state newspaper. she is truly miserable with this guy and wants out but feels trapped by his influence and threats. let me say that i am a physician and have realized that this guy is a raging narcissistic PD-classic thru n thru. so i realize what the situation is an now understand the dynamics in play. i truly believe she loves me and wants out of her current marriage to be with and marry me.i try to explain to her what she is in to with this guy but i don't think she fully understands.i tell her she needs to perpetually express in all situations with him her unhappiness her loss of love for him her wish not to live with or be married to him not do anything with him not go anywhere with him etc. completely detach. act mad unpleasant bitch gripe complain etc about everything.
a recent recurrence of the same situation occurred and once more he has coerced her back with same threats. so this time i have let her know that i am ceasing calls texts emails clandestine visits. it hurts me tremendously as i love her very much but the same thing keeps happening for 1 1/2 yr now and she ends up back with him. he will be super nice and sugar sweet to her a FEW day then revert back to his usual narcissist ways as if all is ok nothing ever happened everything is normal. seems to have forgotten that anything ever happened at any time.
is there any solution to this
am i wasting my time and commitment
is she just dragging me along because of some need to know she has me on the hook in case one day she will need me
is she getting some emotional thrill from all this
am i better off to just bluntly tell her that i am through and moving on and can't do this anymore
is there a solution that works, more or less or different that she can do
help me!!!
Welcome to JustAnswer! I am a Licensed Professional Counselor. Please note, this is not therapy, but advice. I do hope I can help you though. Wow, I am really sorry you are in this mess. It sounds as if you care very deeply for this girl and she likely cares for you as well. The problem is, for whatever reason, she just cant seem to let go of this other fellow. It may or may not be due to his bullying tactics. The fact is, in the end, she must make a decision and risk the consequences, She doesn't seem to be willing to do that. Honestly, only you can decide if you wish to risk a relationship with her or not. Personally, I favor cutting her off and moving on with you life. Even if you wish to continue with her, you need to basically tell her to call you when the divorce is final. The decision is hers. You cannot force it, but I am convinced you cannot let her string you along like this either, She needs to make a decision one way or the other. If she chooses you, she needs to prove it with her actions and a copy of the divorce papers. I know that is harsh and may not be what you wanted, but based on what I am seeing, it is the harsh truth. I hope this was informative and helpful. If you have any more information or questions please post them here before you rate my answer. I want to be of help to you/
I see you have gone off line. i hope I have been helpful and informative to you. The answer I gave was based on my knowledge and the information received. When you return, please let me know if have I not fully answered your questiion by posting any questions or comments here. I do want to help you. Thank you!
John-Michaels and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

I am sorry. It seems you are evidently not satisfied with my answer. The answer I gave you was based on my experience and the information you provided. Please let me know if you have any further questions or additional information that might clarify the situation a bit more.. I really do want to be a help to you. Thank you!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
any advice on how she can deal with getting away from this extreme narcissist.
For one, she must decide that is what she wants to do. No amount of coercion on your part will likely have any affect. She is seemingly addicted to his so-called narcissistic behavior. He is fulfilling some need she has. She needs to figure out what that need is and address it. Basically though, she needs to leave him and not look back. As for his threats of a lawsuit and public humiliation, the odds are those are empty threats. What does she have that he can gain with a lawsuit anyway. I am not a lawyer, but I cannot imagine hIm gaining anythings in the courts unless they have shared possessions, wealth, or children. As far as public humiliation, I would imagine any slander against her and you would likely backfire, revealing his true colors to the public. i repeat, though, this is a decision she must make. You cannot make it for her. I truly believe your best strategy is to make it clear to her that you are not there for her any longer until she breaks all ties with him. Otherwise, you are simply enabling her in her dependent behavior. In the end she must make the choice and live with her choice. The difficult part is, you must live with that choice as well. I wish I could give you a more positive response, but based on the information you have given, this seems to be the appropriate response.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
the threat of a lawsuit is against me for alienation of affection so to speak but i have been in their relationship as long as it has existed basically and she always turns back to me. she always calls me to express the desire to come back that she will eventually divorce him because she prefers me and i really believe she does. he just seems to have some power that scares he.

As long as you are there to rescue her, she will continue to feed that fear. I wish I could give you more, but in the end she must make the choice. In the beginning you labelled this a love triangle. You were correct in that label. This triangle is actually cyclical though. Until someone breaks the cycle, it will likely continue to perpetuate. As difficcult as it is to swallow, you are likely the one to break the cycle. Until you do, it will likely continue as is.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank u very much. You have been 100% helpful.

Your very welcome! Please understand, though, In order for me to be compensated for my time, you must give me a positive rating at eanswer's prompting. It is confusing. They have changed it a couple times recently, so I am not exactly sure how it works from your end. If you do not wish to pay me, that is ok. At least request your deposit back. After 30 days, I do believe it is forfeited.

Ok, it seems maybe I have been replying wrong for you to receive the prompt to rate. Hopefully this will work. I apologize for the confusion. I do hope I have been a help!
John-Michaels and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Hi! I appreciate you allowing me to help you maybe arrive at a solution the other day. I hope I was helpful. Let me know if I can help you in any other way.

John Michaels, MS, LPC

Related Relationship Questions