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My bf and I live together (4 yrs, together 8...Im 26 hes

My bf and I live...
My bf and I live together (4 yrs, together 8...I'm 26 he's 28), and
At the end of last year he got into a physical argument with me and bruised me and my hip quite bad (it now continues to be in pain often). He knows what he did was wrong but I havent really been able to forgive and move on (it wasnt the first time but defiantly the worst time) now recently we got into another argument that turned violent in the sense that he threw my cd case and smashed it all over the house as well as kitchen plates and then made me clean the house up (he even threatened to break more once I was finished cleaning this up... He didnt). I keep saying enough is enough and I've asked him to go to counselling but he doesn't think we need to. I'm not sure how to leave because I'm afraid of my life changing (we have a house, history,etc) I am fed up though, and so tired of fighting.
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Answered in 1 minute by:
7/1/2012
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

Clearly you are being abused and need help...you need to get your own support and he needs to get individual counseling. These are his issues as an abuser and couple therapy is not enough. If he doesnt feel that help is needed, this cycle of violence will continue until he gets help.

CoachJenK :

The only one that you can focus on right now is YOU and getting yourself help and the strength to leave.

CoachJenK :

I want you to reach out to the domestic abuse hotline to find resources in your area. http://www.thehotline.org/

CoachJenK :

I know how scary it all feels and the history you have but this violence will not stop unless he gets help

CoachJenK :

and you cant convince him to do so.

CoachJenK :

I am so osorry to hear that this is what you know of a relationship.

CoachJenK :

*sorry

CoachJenK :

there is help out there and resources too.

CoachJenK :

where is your family? Do they know?

Customer: I feel like I do love him and I'm so sad that it has come to this.
Customer: My family is close and I am close with them.. They do not know
Customer: No one knows
Customer: I feel embarrassed as I an quite successful in the rest on my life
CoachJenK :

I know you love him but you are being abused and clearly you know how wrong this is otherwise you would share it with them...the silence keeps you in the cycle.

CoachJenK :

Please dont feel shame...you are not responsible for his behavior.

Customer: *am
CoachJenK :

my only goal is your safety

CoachJenK :

you can make excuses or justify his actions but as you know that is not the real deal...he is an abuser and you are being abused. the cycle of violence does not stop on its own and can certainly escalate.

CoachJenK :

I am so glad you reached out here as a first step

Customer: I wish it was easy I feel really lost like I've just let my life become this... I'm scared of what will come
Customer: Thank you for support
CoachJenK :

I know...I am supporting you and I know how hard ti is...please dont take responsibility for his violent behavior...you stay because you love but it cannot be to your detriment and that is where things are.

CoachJenK :

Please let me know how else I can support you.

CoachJenK :

are you here with me? I saw you went offline.

Customer: How can I tell someone close to me so that I have support locally (I don't have too many friends but perhaps one and my family). How can I bring this up?
CoachJenK :

You reach out to them and ask for their support and assistance and that you are being abused by the man you love.

CoachJenK :

you will be embraced and if you are close with your family I would reach out there as they can help you

CoachJenK :

I know how hard it is...but this is the first step in you taking care of yourself.

Customer: Yes this will be hard it's hard to just talk about now.
CoachJenK :

Yes i know it is and you are doing great here with me and i am here anytime you need.

CoachJenK :

no judgment only support from me

Customer: Can u just tell me for sure that others relationships while may not be perfect and have arguments they aren't leaving u with a bruise or fear right? Like I can find happiness again right?
CoachJenK :

This is abuse...plain and simple.

CoachJenK :

no relationship is perfect and there are issues that get worked on but not this kind of violence and dominance

Customer: Thank you.
CoachJenK :

it is hard for you to really feel that because you are in it...so rely on my words and if you call the hotline tha ti gave above they will confirm it.

CoachJenK :

I am so sorry you are going through this and yes there are others out there that will not be like this

CoachJenK :

and you can have a mutual and loving relationship.

Customer: Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX feeling like its not right and I should leave for awhile (see so many happy couples and think that's not us) so I know I need to just face it get courage and move on somehow
CoachJenK :

that is what I want to hear...your gut has known so yes it takes the strength an di believe that even speaking about it here lets the cat out of the bag and that is one step closer. keeping quiet keeps you in it.

CoachJenK :

and you must call the police if you are frightened

CoachJenK :

let your gut be your guide..you are smart and strong.

CoachJenK :

you okay?

Customer: I will contact this hotline for more support I need help to make sure I'll be safe
Customer: Thank you.
CoachJenK :

yes safety first and that is why speaking with your family as well will be helpful. so dont hesitate to call the police as well. you must do everything to ensure your safety.

CoachJenK :

I hope you will come back and let me know how you are.

Customer: Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX (I hope I can find you)
CoachJenK :

when you begin a new question please write for coachjenk at the beginning and it will come to me.

CoachJenK :

can i support you any further now?

Customer: Ok thank you. No, I will take your advice and hopefully I can be strong. Thank you.
CoachJenK :

and please know at any point, that I am here. you are not alone and you deserve to be free from violence and be happy.

CoachJenK :

before we end if you would take a moment to click on the rating of me...my goal is to provide excellent support and I hope I have done that.

Customer: Yes thank you.
CoachJenK :

so we have a plan...call the hotline, reach out to your family, call the police if in fear for your safety.

CoachJenK :

come to me anytime.

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified
TherapistJen and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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TherapistJen
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
3,569 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

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