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My husband and I have had issues on and off for several years..

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this time I'm not so...
My husband and I have had issues on and off for several years.. this time I'm not so willing to let my guard down and accept the apologies. We live very busy lives with our kids.. and for years I've wanted nothing more than his attention and now that we have been arguing for a almost a month(and he told our children that I was leaving) he has decided he wants to give it to me, but now I don't want it.. I have a lot of health issues for a couple years and never seemed to bother or concern him, now that he is "changing" he is constantly asking questions and wanting to be there. I'm not dying just have to change certain things in my life..STRESS for instance!! I've become independent to an extent and I'm afraid that what he's saying or doing won't stick. as usual!! I don't want to hurt him and a part of me thinks it could work as long as I never voice my opinion and keep things bottled up, like I have for years! He has said a lot of hurtful things and I cannot let them go.. I'm done and don't know what to do or how to do it
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 13 minutes by:
6/5/2012
Counselor: Dr. Paige, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
Verified
Hello. You should never be in a relationship where you cannot voice your opinion and the fact you have kept things bottled up is probably a large contributer to your current medical situation. The first thing you need to do, is decide if you want to be with him and if you want it to work. You say he is making a change for the better, but it sounds like it could be too late. Determine if it is. Can you have a healthy relationship with this man? Can you work through things and be able to have open communication with him about your feelings now or in the near future? You have to be able to answer these questions before you can make a plan of action. Maybe it would be a good thing for you to take some time for yourself. I don't know how difficult it would be because of there being children involved, but if you had a friend or family member you could stay with for a bit, maybe you can remove yourself from the situation a little more effectively and be able to think clearly. Weigh the pros and cons of staying and leaving. Write it down. Keep in mind that the most important thing here is going to be the kids and don't forget about your health and your own well being. What action is going to create the best environment for the kids and for you? Don't feel you need to "stay together for the kids". This is a dangerous strategy that always backfires. Children need to see happy parents, even if they are separated rather than angry, fighting parents who stay together. A lot of times, kids will grow up thinking that everything is their fault and will have self esteem issues in their future. You also need to find the right path to your physical happiness as well. Do not settle. Do not neglect you ! Take some time to wort out these feelings and then decide what you need to do.
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I have suggested that I would like some time away to think about things, but he told me that if I leave that there will be no coming back.. he has told me to leave.. told the kids I was moving out.. and I have been living out of suitcases for three weeks in my own house! packed but haven't left. Always have things that come up that make me feel guilty about leaving. The kids don't usually see the fighting but I know they are aware of what's going on. Hard to walk out on 16 years but I'm tired..
Counselor: Dr. Paige, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

It sounds like it! If he is telling you that there is no way he is going to let you take some time to yourself, that is a definate bad sign. He should understand WHY you are wanting to do this. Maybe if you explain it in a positive way, he would be open to it. He may look at it as you leaving and walking out on the marriage, when in fact, it MAY be to fix the marriage. Time apart has healed a lot of relationships. Sometimes having a clearer perspective does a lot of good for both people involved. If you are worried about him never taking you back, and you want that to at least be a possibility even if you ultimately decide to walk away, then you should maybe try to explain it to him in a different way. It's not leaving, it's having some mental recovery time.

You didn't say how old your kids are, but it is important to communicate some of that is happening, in a mature and factual way. Don't blame him for anything or say anything bad about him, just the facts of the situation. Kids can handle a lot at a younger age and appreciate honesty from their parents. When they are adults, they will always remember that their parents treated them with respect, which is very important. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting happiness for yourself. If you are in a stressful situation, remove yourself from it. Even if for a little while. Don't play around with your health concerns!

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
My health has become a big concern for me.. and I know I need to remove myself.. it's that initial first step I seem to have a hard time with. It was almost 6 weeks ago when I asked for some time, 3 weeks I've been packed (clothes), and the stress and fear of everything going on with me physically is tearing me apart, much less staying there! I don't know what the next step is.. I have always held everyone together, accommodated everyone else to make them happy, that I don't know how to make me happy
Counselor: Dr. Paige, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
The first step is always the most difficult. None of this is going to be easy and you shouldn't expect it to. You have to allow yourself the feelings that are going to go along with separating out of a 16 year marriage. There are going to be good days and bad days and you need to accept that. Spending some time to figure out what will make you happy is an important ting in life. You don't want to have regrets. Just be the best mom and the best person you can be and the only way to do that is to find happiness within yourself and not rely on others for it.
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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