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Ask KansasTherapist Your Own Question
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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Is there any reason that a husband not attend funeral of wifes

Customer Question

Is there any reason that a husband not attend funeral of wife's cousin with her?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 5 years ago.

KansasTherapist : Hello
KansasTherapist : I can think of quite a few reasons.
JACUSTOMER-kca3owka- :

Give me some. We have been married over 25 years. I have attended all funerals that he went to. He is shy and needs my support. But any of my relatives he has not attended any funerals. Now I need his support and he told me no. Give me a good reason for him to not attend with me for support.

KansasTherapist : He may have a problem with one or more people in your family and doesn't want to deal with them.
KansasTherapist : Being th you at a funeral of one of your family members may lead him to think of your death.
KansasTherapist : Different families have different rituals around death and some of your famaly's may be disturbing to him.
JACUSTOMER-kca3owka- :

Well what about the times that I attended funerals with him. I supported him. And now I need support from him and he has never attended any of mine families. The idea is to support ME not my family. And our rituals are the same.

KansasTherapist : I agree with you, that you deserve his support.
KansasTherapist : He won't tell you why?
JACUSTOMER-kca3owka- :

So what reason can he have to deny me the support that should be mine without asking?

KansasTherapist : Only he knows the true answer to that question. You wrote he was shy, maybe he feels there would be pressure to be more outgoing.
KansasTherapist : I'm not saying these are good reasons, but there must be something. It might help if you could get him to tell you. I can see this is really hurting your feelings.
JACUSTOMER-kca3owka- :

All he needs is to stand by me and hold my hand. This cousin meant alot to me and I do want to attend. He says no with no reason as to why.

KansasTherapist : Have you told him how hurt and disappointed you are that he won't come?
KansasTherapist : Does it upset him to see you cry?
JACUSTOMER-kca3owka- :

Evidently it does not hurt him to see me cry. I cried my self to sleep last night. He asked is I was alright. I told him no that I was hurt and that was the end of our conversation.

KansasTherapist : That is pretty cold.
KansasTherapist : Could you be straight forward with him and say, "I need to know why you won't go with me, because without knowing why I just feel angry and hurt.
JACUSTOMER-kca3owka- :

Tried that too. But he only gets defensive and we end up arguing and not discussing the topic.

KansasTherapist : You're kind of in a no win situation. There's no way to make him go with you and he doesn't even want to talk about the reason. If you end up going by yourself, you'll feel abandoned, hurt, and angry.
JACUSTOMER-kca3owka- :

That is exactly how I will feel. Any suggestions?

KansasTherapist : My best idea for when couples end up in an argument is, when one or both of you starts to get upset, say you need a time out, but will come back to discuss it calmly. That way the situation doesn't escalate into a fight but you also don't give up trying to find out what's going on. You may have to walk away and come back a few times.
JACUSTOMER-kca3owka- :

Well, thanks for listening to me.

KansasTherapist : You're very welcome. I'm sorry there's no easy answer to this.