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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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My wife moved out of state with our son. I continue to live

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My wife moved out of state with our son. I continue to live in the original state of residence and she gives me a very hard time to maintain a relationship with my 2 year old son, limiting my visitation (we are still married with the future uncertain at this point). However, now she wants me to move in as she is finding difficult to manage childcare on her own (although she gets help form her family). Problem is (as before) despite all my efforts to help with child care (which I do, and she realizes that it is a big help), she still (as before) screams and shouts at me on a daily basis, uses cuss words at times, bangs on the doors at night (to get things out of her chest) and this is very disturbing to me and damaging to my self esteem, when done in front of our 2 year child-I am sure it disturbs him, is damaging to our marriage. I have told her a few times that she needs to curb such behavior and language, to no avail. I have also tried to have her family involved, but it did not help. I have suggested that we see a marriage counselor together, but she is not open to it. What options do I have to have her not behave and use foul language/srem/shout/bang on doors at 1-2AM at night? If she starts shouting and screaming at me, she also corners me or blocks the door/exit - so I cant even move away at the time. She wants my help with our son's care, which I whole-heartedly want to, but she also sees as an open ticket to be "abusive" in ways descrobed above. I have suggested her that we can live together for a couple weeks for a few times, until we are able to create a healthy environment for both us and our child, she does not want that. She just wants me to either move in full-time or stay away (and not let me see our son). Please advice.

KansasTherapist : Hello
KansasTherapist : The two choices she's given you both seem unreasonable to me.
KansasTherapist : I wonder if it would be possible for you to file for a legal separation with a custody agreement. She may not want to do that but it could protect your rights and relationship as a parent without exposing you to her abusive behavior.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Oh i have explored that before in the legal section, but I want any adviceon how to salvage the relationship/behaviour modification/ anger management/coping mechanisms etc.
From what you wrote, it doesn't seem she's willing to make changes in her behavior. Unless both parties are willing to look at change and compromise, it's very difficult to move forward. When couples have disagreements that turn into yelling, etc., my advice is to agree to take a time out when either one asks for it. In your case, that's needed as soon as you see her starting to get angry. You don't have to wait until she's yelling and pounding. The amount of time depends on what's needed. It might be 5 minutes, an hour, or until the next morning. After both parties are calm, you can try to talk again, but with the same rule. With people who go off easily, this interrupts their usually pattern of escalation, and teaches them if they want any interaction, they have to keep cool. You definitely shouldn't tolerate an abusive relationship.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
can any intervention, ie form marriage counselor etc be enforced while still married?
Oh, I definitely would recommend marriage counseling for you as a couple and anger management for her. I didn't suggest that because you wrote she was unwilling. Sometimes if one partner refuses, it helps for the other partner to go to therapy for support. You might want to consider that.
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