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DrJackiePhD, Doctor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 368
Experience:  I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.
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My boyfriend has never done anything to make me feel insecure.

Resolved Question:

My boyfriend has never done anything to make me feel insecure. How can I get myself to stop feeling less than and insecure about myself and our relationship?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 5 years ago.

DrJackiePhD :

Hi, is anyone helping you?

DrJackiePhD :

I am going to switch over to Q&A since I see you are no longer online!

Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 5 years ago.
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I would like some more information from you, if possible, before trying to answer your question. You have said that your boyfriend has done nothing to make you feel uncomfortable or insecure.
1) How long have you been together? If it's a new relationship, most people are insecure
2) Did you recently have any major life changes (such as a job loss or tragic family loss, etc.)? Sometimes a major life-altering event can make us insecure about other things like relationships.
3) Did you just celebrate a year-anniversary or some other milestone together? Sometimes big events like that can trigger insecurity.
If you can tell me a bit more about how you feel insecure, perhaps I can give you some suggestions!
--Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We've been together almost 8 months. Is that considered new still?

I just moved and had to sell my home. I guess that could count?

I have had plenty of relationships and friendships in the past that have purported to be great and then got the rug pulled out from under me. I am afraid to have arguments with him because of previous relationships.

He has friends that are girls, a couple of which I think he was interested in at some point over the years. He dated some of them after college, and he's 30 now. All of that was before he met me. Some times I think things are too good to be true that something has to go wrong.
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 5 years ago.
Hi there,

Eight months is usually long enough to start feeling secure, especially if the relationship has been good, which it sounds like it has been. Have you been insecure the duration of the relationship or just recently? This is really important because if you have been secure until recently, and you are saying he has done nothing, then something must have occurred to you or involving you to cause your change in feelings.

Moving is one of the top stressors in life. So that could account for your life being crazier and more stressed than usual. There could be a link to insecurity, but I'm guessing it isn't the main reason. It can contribute, but I think it is something else causing the insecurities.

I think your third point seems to hit the nail on the head. People are the sum total of their experiences, and our experiences are made up of relationships. You have been hurt and probably deceived in the past, it sounds like. It is absolutely rational that you would apply your past experiences to your current relationship. How could you not? You have been "conditioned" to believe that men can be dishonest and/or unfaithful and/or not wanting serious relationships.

Now, just because your feelings are typical and normal and rational does not mean that they are healthy. Yes, he has female friends. But you have stressed he has never done anything to make you think he doesn't want you and value you and your relationship.

As hard as it might be, you need to accept him for the great guy I sense he is. If you think it would be helpful, you could share you feelings with him...or have you done this already?

Do you want to continue more dialog?

==Dr. Jackie
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have kind of talked to him about it. He said normally his relationships move really fast, and he falls in love really quickly and gets caught up in emotions. Where as with me he really took his time (muuuuch to my chagrin) and knew he meant the stuff when he said it. He normally looks way ahead in relationships but seems content not to this time. Which worries me a little bit that he's not "crazy" about me like he was about previous girls. I think I'm worthy of future plans too. Not that he's said that I'm not going to be included in his long term thoughts... I just wonder what I did to not get the same treatment?
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,

First, you did not do anything to get the same treatment. I hope you can change your thinking on this (although we are often our own worst enemy!) You didn't do anything to "make him" think differently. And by the same token, he can't help his feelings. This is good for you because I think you will be happy to know what relationship scholars have found out regarding three types of beginnings. That is, researchers categorized a large number of couple participants in a major study and put them into 1) Fast accelerated relationships, 2) Medium accelerated relationships, and 3) Slow accelerated relationships. More conflict and lower levels of satisfaction occurred in 1) and 3) but those that were not "hot and heavy" in the beginning but not super slow had the best chance of two satisfied relational partners and less conflict!

While you may not see this right now, it seems like he is taking his time with you because he cares about and respects you. If he usually "falls in love fast", what he may mean is that he becomes infatuated quickly. It's easy to confuse that with love when our emotions and physical attractions seem to be in charge!

If you want to know his thoughts about the future, I see no harm in asking his thoughts at this point as long as you are not confrontational and as long as he doesn't feel pressured. Often the WAY we go about talking about relationship issues is as important as the talk itself.

I hope I am helping you...

==Dr. Jackie
DrJackiePhD and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  DrJackiePhD replied 5 years ago.

This system is not letting me respond even though I'm trying hard to. Please bear with me as I try to respond to your questions. I think I can help and want to!

==Dr. Jackie