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Ask TherapistMaryAnn Your Own Question
TherapistMaryAnn, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5824
Experience:  Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues
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how do i deal with a partner who says he does not want me and

Customer Question

how do i deal with a partner who says he does not want me and pulls away for months at a time then returns with accusations and verbal abuse... continuing make me feel guilty and keeps calling me a liar?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistMaryAnn replied 5 years ago.

Hello, I'd like to help you with your question.

It sounds like your partner is possibly emotionally abusive. When someone treats their partner with anger, verbal abuse and tries to make them feel guilty, then there is something going on with that person. They may have been abused themselves as a child or witnessed abuse, most likely of a parent. As an adult, they do not know how to cope with the feelings they have so they imitate the abuse they experienced or were witness to.

To deal with your partner, you may want to try suggesting therapy (but only if you feel it is safe to do so). Therapy is very effective in helping someone discover why they act out and what they can do about it.

If he will not consider therapy, you may want to go on your own. You need support and someone to help you find out whether or not staying in this relationship will work for you. As your doctor for a referral to a qualified therapist.

You also may want to learn more about relationship abuse. The more you know, the better equipped you will be to deal with your partner and to figure out what you want to do about the relationship. Here are some resources to help you:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved
Lundy Bancroft

Also, keep the local domestic abuse shelter hotline number with you in case the situation ever gets out of hand and he tries to hurt you. Build your supports and lean on others. Dealing with an abusive relationship is never easy and support can make a big difference.

I hope this helps you,