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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
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Experience:  Professional therapist
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Hi there, I dont know what to do. I lived in the US for over

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Hi there, I don't know what to do. I lived in the US for over a year and just returned home to Australia. I was in Oz for Christmas and met this guy two weeks before I was to return to the US. It was great, we dated but of course knew it was only two weeks as I wasn't sure when I'd be back to Australia. We kept in contact while I was back in the US, but 2 months ago I met someone in the US. An amazing connection with this guy, we hung out for 2 months, basically every day before I left, I have really strong feelings for him but we can't be together. He's staying in the US and I'm back in Australia and don't want to leave. Do I need to just forget about him and move on, give the guy I met before Christmas a chance?? Neither of us is prepared to move to be together, only having known each other for two months, so it seems like a hopeless situation. And the guy here is great too, I'm just so confused. I feel like I'm cheating but wasn't in a relationship with either of them to begin with, it's just so difficult. I'm not a risk-taker, someone who would jump on a plane and throw everything away for the chance of love - I'm 35, have a good career and have just locked down a job in Australia which allowed me to come home. I can't believe I have feelings for two men, and am confused about which ones are real and which are those i need to get over...
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

This is definitely a tough decision to have to make, and unfortunately no matter what you decide there are some possible drawbacks. However, it's important to do what you feel is in your best interest, and if the distance makes this too difficult for you, it's ok for you to feel like that even if you do still have feelings for him. The connection you have with this guy in the US may be incredible, but on some practical level if you know that this is not a relationship that is going to be satisfying to due to the distance, then you may be better off parting ways. That doesn't mean that you can't stay in contact with him, although that can sometimes make it more difficult to move ahead too. Considering the fact that you're also interested in someone else, it would seem that if the guy from the US and you were really destined to be together, you wouldn't be interested in other people. It's a shame that the relationship with this guy from the US never got a fair chance, and he may always hold a special place in your heart. At this point, it sounds like he is already feeling like you are shutting this down, and if that is what your instincts are telling you to do, that's probably the right direction to head in.

I certainly wish you the best and if there is anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you Ryan for making me feel it is okay to rule with my head and not my heart. I appreciate what you're saying about the distance being an issue, it is for the both of us, which is why we BOTH discussed and agreed at the time that we would have to move on with our lives. Easier said than done though. We've continued to keep contact, as heart breaking as it is, but the other day decided that we needed to stop as it was just giving us hope (of course to your point above about it being difficult to move on keeping the contact). It was then that I decided to meet up with the Aus guy, thought I needed to make myself move on. I only knew him for two weeks before I went back to the US (whereas US guy was 2 months). My fear is that I'm only going out with this guy because he is here and I don't want to be alone. My other fear is the drawbacks you mentioned - what if US guy is so right for me? I see it, we were amazing together, and I feel like I'm testing - maybe keeping my options open with US guy, by both of us trying to move on for a few months, we may realise it's not working and we are right for each other, so something may happen in the future. It sounds selfish and dangerous, but I've been in the situation before, waiting for someone overseas, and it didn't work out well. Maybe a part of me is trying to validate if his feelings (US guy that is) are real for me, given it's still fresh and we've only been a part a couple of weeks... Any more thoughts?

You are right though, I don't want a long distance relationship...

Thanks I'm really glad I could help. The compromise may be what you mentioned, in keeping your options open with the US guy but still ruling with your head. I know what you mean about dating someone because you don't want to be alone, but even if that is the case, you're allowed to date and that may be part of the process of seeing whether or not you want to move on from this guy in the US. Part of the difficulty is because it is all still so fresh, and I would think that in a few more weeks you're going to have a much better idea of where you stand with both guys once things have settled a little more. This distance will definitely put the connection that the two of you had for each other to the test, and who knows, if you continue to be drawn back to each other there may start to become reasons to take it more seriously as time goes on. Whether or not the Aus guy is for you, if you still know that a long distance relationship isn't for you, it sounds like you're still in a situation where you have to look forward from that, even if you do keep your options open for now.

All the best,

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