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Alicia_MSW, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 794
Experience:  Specializing in relationship/family counseling
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Hi there, Im 21 and have a very friendly and humour based personality.

Customer Question

Hi there, Im 21 and have a very friendly and humour based personality. I have no problem talking to large groups of people or being centre of attention, but i have one questiong. Everytime it comes to women i get very anxious, i can start a convo, but in public i start to worry about what she thinks of me, what others around are thinking, and if she likes me, intimacy in public e.g (club) is a huge anxiety trigger, i go way into my shell. I normally are able @ the end to get a number, but the next day with no pressure of other people around i begin to flood the girl with txts, and seem to desperate and moving to fast and usually they lose interests. What can i do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Alicia_MSW replied 5 years ago.
Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question - I'm happy to help you today.

It doesn't have to be a matter of all or nothing when you respond to a girl the next day. Instead of going the "no interest" or "treat em mean keep em keen" routes, and similarly, avoiding the "going overboard" approach, you can adopt a middle-ground approach. It sounds like you're letting your anxiety get the best of you, and probably especially around girls you really like or are really attracted to because you might start worrying that if you *don't* go overboard, they might lose interest or forget about you. So it just seems that you're overcompensating a bit too much. As you've seen, throwing too much interest at a girl can make them lose interest, just as showing too much can. Instead of going to one extreme or another, it's more appropriate to simply start off slow while expressing interest, too. So a text the next day saying, I really enjoyed meeting you and would like to get together soon - then allowing her to reply, for example, is a much more effective approach than inundating her with texts or phone calls. It takes some practice and self-restraint, though, and you have to try to reel in your anxiety at times and tell yourself that it's better to allow for a bit of mystery in the beginning than showing all your cards at once.

Hope that helps - good luck!

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