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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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How do you deal with the anger of finding that while you were

Customer Question

How do you deal with the anger of finding that while you were in hospital fighting for your life, having supported your husband through his battle with cancer, he was partying, on porn sites (while looking after my little girls), flirted with at least three woman I know of and then got involved with a prostitute, giving her one of our cars, large sums of money, holidays and eventually taking me on an international trip he booked for her ...
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.

Dr Rossi :

Good Morning,

Dr Rossi :

Anger is often a secondary emotion to another feeling i.e. pain, helplessness, shame, etc.

Dr Rossi :

There are different approaches to deal w/ one's anger according to what you feel comfortable with.

Dr Rossi :

One way to look at anger is that it is an emotion that hurts You - the one who holds onto it and experiences it. It rarely harms the other individual.

Dr Rossi :

Anger is also connected to your private thoughts (what you think about, for how long/ruminations, self doubt or guilt, etc)

Customer: I feel so humiliated. He didn't attend one Doctor's appointment through my CKD diagnosis, was at a party when I received news of one if my operations (8hrs) was dismissive and often left me for long periods in hospital alone ... Then I find out what I have ... What did I do to deserve such callous behaviour ...
Dr Rossi :

Is this by any chance connected to you feeling "unworthy" of his time/love?

Customer: Yes
Dr Rossi :

Sometimes the behavior of others can trigger past memories that have been suppressed of how someone else important to you had treated you. Of course, your reaction can also be a new one based on the events that transpired.

Dr Rossi :

The sense of not being worthy comes from you possibly on some level believing that you're not. Because, self worth should not come from him or another. IT is a self confirmation.

Dr Rossi :

Hence, your reaction is one that hurts you once again. The anger most likely is making you feel uncomfortable and hurting emotionally.

Customer: I am dumbfound that I fought a long battle for his survival and he would be there for me - as I got sicker he became so nasty ... Lost 60% of my kidneys - and he didn't care
Dr Rossi :

Your trust was broken. It is this that hurts the most- you feel vulnerably and maybe shocked that your partner will be capable of something like this.

Dr Rossi :

To be able to manage the anger, try to view yourself from the side- see how he already hurt you through this and then see how you're still hurting because the anger is eating you emotionally and psychologically

Customer: Exactly & then to find out what he was doing hurts more
Dr Rossi :

Yes, but you did not cause him to act or be that way. It is nothing to do with who you are as a person.

Customer: How do you let it go - he keeps provoking me
Dr Rossi :

It is his poor and self serving choices of what to do (to feel better himeself) while you were struggling

Dr Rossi :

How does he provoke you now?

Dr Rossi :

You may decide to own your power and not give in to his provocations. He could be antagonizing you to get a reaction, to feel self rightious and to deflect the attention from what he did onto you.

Customer: He is obsessed with polo & puts that above his family - I am the major breadwinner - he will spend on horses, grooms, tournament fees and hardly contribute to the home
Dr Rossi :

Those who have sociopthic or narcissistic traits would do things like that. If there is any way for you to limit what you do for him i.e. cook/do his laundry, give him spending money, etc. would be one way to set limits w/ him.

Dr Rossi :

This is not a healthy situation for you to be in. Have you considered what you want to do as far as separation or moving out, etc?

Dr Rossi and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you