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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have been dating a wonderful woman and now I'm so

Customer Question

I have been dating a wonderful woman and now I'm so confused. I love her with all my heart but i screwed up big because I let my thoughts take over. We have been together since 2010. When I met her she was in rough times. She had been in a abusive relationship. She was renting a room from some guys house and had a good job. I have a bad habit of when i get angry I say hurtful things and name call. I let it get out of control and didn't know how bad it was cause she loved me so much that she overlooked it for this while time. I proposed to her in December of last year on Xmas. I now have noticed little things that she stopped doing and never understood why and now I know its because of me i didn't realize it till now and as they say its too late. 3 days ago she stayed out till 2am and wouldn't answer my calls. I got upset and shut her phone off. She came home with anger and the mix of that and the hurt and worry of me i lost it and grabbed her and pushed her on the bed. I felt so horrible about that cause that's not me at all and i don't want her to ever feel like she did with her ex cause i would kill myself before I'd ever hurt her in anyway. So now she has completly cut me out of her life. I'm so hurt right now especially with the way I acted. Now she just ended it. She took my ring off, she stays out till late at night, she got a new phone and changed her number and didnt even give it to me. I cried to her last night and wrote her a letter of apology and got her flowers I was pretty much saying I would do anything for one last chance. She cringed when i touch her now and looks at me with hate. We live together and have a lease till septemeber. It hurts so much inside that I was rushed to the er last night and was close to having a heart attack. I called her and told her where I was going and she never even responded to see how I was. She was a achoholic when i met her and i helped her break that habit even when she was angry with me i still was her friend and helped her threw the rough times. Now i feel betrayed and confused. It's been a rough few weeks I lost my job, my car broke, and I've been in the hospital and i am at a all time low and she won't even acknowledge me. I know she is angry but she did love me and shouldn't that be enough to at least be there as a friend to me when I'm hurting. She won't tell me its over and she wont ask me to leave she just acts like I'm dead to her. It hurts so bad when a woman I truly love won't even talk to me. It's hard living in this situation and I want to leave but my heart won't let me. I really need some advice. Should I leave or should i stay or what should i try to fix or is it to late. I am also confused cause of all the signs that she is doing and how she is acting why wouldn't she just say its over?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. It sounds as though you have really done a lot to try and salvage this. The problem is, that something else specific is wrong with her and she expects you to know what it is. It may not be exactly what you think. Women will express their anger or displeasure by acting that way and expecting the man to figure it out and fix it. While you have apologized for the obvious stuff, there has to be something else going on. You are going to have to ask her point blank about it. Men and women deal with situations like this differently. While she may be waiting for you to figure something out, you are desperately trying to find out what it is. I might suggest you say something to her that says that you really want to try and work things out with her and fix this relationship, but you are having a hard time figuring out exactly what she is the most angry about. She will probably have the attitude of "you should know", but just tell her you don't. Ask her to help you. Ask her to tell you what she wants. After you have this conversation with her, THEN give her her space and tell her exactly what you are doing and why. If you just walk away and leave, she may think that is what you want. If you tell her you are going to give her some space and hope that she changes her mind about both of you. You just have to be honest, straight forward and to the point about everything. Ultimately, she is going to be the one to make the final decision if she wants to stay or go, but you have to make 100% certain she knows you put forth all the effort you are capable of.