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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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Ive been dating a guy for 4 months now, its been great, hes

Customer Question

Ive been dating a guy for 4 months now, its been great, hes really nice to me, makes time to see me, always calling and texting, making plans ahead, we even went to key west two weekends ago together!. I thought everything was going great and that we were both on the same page and that our relationship was moving forward.
The last two weeks have been very stressful for me since I am having a really tough time landing a job, so ive been really stressed out and kind of feeling down, he was very supportive and trying to help out in the ways he could. Another reason i was stressed out was because I am currently living in miami but i am from ecuador originally, so i started thinking about me either staying here and keep looking for work or going back to my home town and start over there, and obviously this guy which i really liked was on my mind and was one of the reasons i want to stay here since i knew that if i left to ecuador our relationship will be over.
So last saturday i decided to tell him that i was starting to develop feelings for him, and the second i said that he pulled back and started acting all nervous and didnt say anything back. I got really upset, not because he didnt say anything back but because weve had discussions about our relationship before and ive been very understading when hes told that hes not sure what he feels yet and how he feels yet about the relationship. So after he didnt say anything back, i was angry and frustated and i told him that i couldnt do this anymore, that i coulnt be with someone that not even after 4 months of being together doesnt know how he feels. So then we started talking and started telling all these things that i never expected really, that he didnt feel strongly enough about the relationship to move forward, that he didnt see a future with me, that he finds himself sometimes thinking do i really want to pursue this, do i really want to do this?, but on the other hand he kept telling me i dont want to end this relationship, theres a lot of things going on here, a lot of great things, i care for you, i feel affectionate for you, i love spending time with you, i am happy with you, i am happy when youre happy, bla bla bla. I asked him why he waited so long to tell me this, and why would he act and give me all these mixed signals that he actually did want to be in a relationship with me, i dont know if im crazy or not but if youre not serious about someone do you take a weekend together and go somewhere?? but anyhow, he said that he was trying to see if he could fall in love with me, because im worth it and im great and he loves how i am with him. I couldnt take listening to this BS sorry for any longer so I told him that i was leaving the coffee place, he asked me if i wanted him to take me home i said no, and then i walked away and i left and didnt even look back.
I havent heard from him since, this was last saturday may 26, and i havent tried to contact him either, nothing, no emails, no text no calls, no drunk dialing or text terrorism as you say it jajaj, ive stayed calm and havent done anything. But i havent heard from him either.
And today i am kind of down because we met on, and today out of curiosity i saw that he was there and that he has been active for the last 24 hours, so it put me down a bit, i dont even know if that means anything or not.
I kind of want your advice on what to do, is what i am doing ok, will he ever come back begging me to give him another chance, that he actually does want a realtionship with me and to forgive him if he said anything to hurt me. Cutting to the chase, i want to know what should i do!!!!!
Please help!!!!!
Thank you!!!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

I can certainly understand your frustration, and I believe that in most situations after spending so much time with a person and going away together, that it would seem like he would have some idea of how he feels about you. It's possible that he is being honest with you and that he does really value you and the time you spend together. It is possible that he wanted to see if this would lead to a deeper relationship or deeper feelings. However, at this point it doesn't sound like he knows exactly what he wants or what he is looking for, and because of that you have every right to protect yourself and your emotions from getting hurt and it seems very understandable to have handled this as you did.

It does seem like there had to be connection there in order for him to want to spend all of this time with you, but I can understand why you would be upset about him being back on Since you did walk away from him, it is possible that he feels like the door is shut as far as his chances with you, which could be his motivation for getting back on the dating site. Despite that, it is possible that the time apart will make him realize that he does want to be with you, so you still may have done the right thing in walking away for now in the hopes that he figures out how he feels.

For now, it would seem that if you are hoping for him to come back, you may have to let him know that you are still willing to talk. If he is under the impression that you are closed off, it may make him hesitant to return or to talk about this with you. You may feel like it is his responsibility to approach you at this point, which is fine, and there is still a chance that will happen based on everything that you have been through together. Otherwise another idea would be to give this some time off as you have, and then attempt to reconnect with him to see how he has been feeling about everything now that he has had some time off. If he still remains confused or showing mixed feelings, it is probably best to continue moving on yourself in order to avoid getting any more hurt.

I definitely wish you the best and hope that I've been able to answer your question. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience: Professional therapist
Ryan LCSW and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi, You have relisted the question, which means you would like to get further help from a different expert. However, you have accepted the previous answer. The question, then, is if you want further help, which the experts would be glad to offer, but only if you are prepared to start over. And the other experts would expect that you would press ACCEPT for their answers if the answer is helpful. This would mean you would be paying again. I've read carefully your question, so let me know if this is what you are seeking and I will be happy to answer. Okay?

Thanks, Dr. Mark

Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

I hear your pain around this and i think you are extremely courageous as well. I didn't hear a woman that shrunk away from a guy when he said what he stood up and articulated your feelings and then took care of yourself by leaving the coffee place. you are hurting now even more because you think you did something wrong by walking out of the coffee my view, you did not.

this guy said many things that we hurtful and confusing. He has said so many wonderful things to you which kept your feelings alive for him and hoping that there could be a future together and now that you express your feelings, his feelings come to a screeching halt.

I understand you want to have him back, but I must ask you to look inward here....and ask yourself why? Why would you want to be with someone who doesnt respect you enough to be honest, possibly strings you along with his mixed signals. you deserve more.

So what to do? In my view in relation to him...nothing. take care of yourself and heal and grow and move on. You deserve mutuality and respect in a relationship and it is clear you are both in different places around this.

Let me know your thoughts. I am happy to help.