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AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  B.A. Psychology
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Hi again Jason,I wanted to ask your opinion on this: I

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Hi again Jason, I wanted to ask your opinion on this: I talk to Dora a lot...up until this weekend we mostly talked on facebook messenger. I called her on Friday though and we were on the phone for something like two hours. And Tuesday she called me (it was a pleasant surprise) and we were on the phone for two and a half hours. Usually I don't like talking on the phone but I love talking to her. Now I just feel the urge to chat with her whenever I see her online. But at the same time I know I can come off as needy and I am trying to avoid that. Also I know she is often studying or whatnot....I guess I am asking is when is a good time to call or chat with her? Should I hit her up every time I see her online like yearn to? Or should I scale back to like every other day? I'm sure there are no hard and fast rules..I guess the bigger question is how do I NOT be needy so that I dont have to try so hard to fake like I'm not. lol. I hope that make sense...Thanks. :)
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  AskJason replied 5 years ago.

AskJason : (My answers are intended as information and opinion only. I am not a Dr. or a licensed psychologist and can not offer counseling or medical advice.)
AskJason : Nice to hear from you again. I definitely understand what you're experiencing and I'll try to help you feel a bit more relaxed about how you're interacting with Dora.
AskJason : When we last chatted, I believe you had plans to spend some time with Dora in person. Did that happen? If so, did any physical intimacy occur or did you guys just hang out and talk? I'm wondering how you're feeling toward her as far as desire to have a physical relationship. I know she is a lesbian, but you said you weren't sure that you'd ever have a sexual relationship with another woman. You also had your long distance boyfriend in the picture, so that was something on your mind as well. Now that you find yourself really yearning to chat with Dora all the time, I might be better able to offer my opinion if I understand what you're truly hoping for inside. In other words, are you hoping that you and Dora become emotionally and physically intimate, or is that not really where your motivation lies and instead you just love having her as a friend and just really enjoy communicating with her?

I will see her this coming Sunday. Honestly I have been entertaining thoughts of kissing her. As far as being sexually intimate, I've thought about having sex with another girl before. I just never thought about actually having a relationship with one...I never could picture myself being attracted to a woman on that personal level. I guess it was inevitable though. :) I am sexually attracted to her and she is to me...she was kind of teasing me about it on the phone. But I don't want to just jump into bed with her. I'm sure it would make our friendship awkward. And I know that she doesn't want a relationship right now...she's kind of relationship-phobic.Also I just found out recently that she's moved back in with her ex. They're still friends though she says they argue a lot. She graduated from college and she's living with her for a few months until she can get her own place. So that further complicates things.


Whether or not I'd be okay with actually being in this relationship I don't know...I'm scared of how my family would react honestly. But if that wasn't an issue then I would want to be with her. But it's kind of complicated like I mentioned before.

AskJason : Ok all that makes perfect sense. I see you're still typing so I'll wait for your next reply.

Thanks, XXXXX XXXXX done now

AskJason : It sounds like everything is going well for you then. There is no rush and you are wise to let this unfold slowly just like you have been. A kiss would certainly be a first step toward whatever may follow and you'll just have to decide if and when you want to let that happen. So to answer your question, I think you are handling your feeling of being needy quite well. It's ok to be "needy" provided it isn't causin the other person to feel smothered. Of course your whole question relates to how you can diminish the needy feeling so you don't have to act is if you are not! Haha. I do see the humor in the paradox. "Being needy" is just a synonym for being in love. (Provided of course that one's actions are not inappropriate or causing the other person stress or harm. Your actions certainly don't sound like they would do either of those things.). So don't be so hard on yourself for wanting to chat with Dora every time you can. She probably feels the same way about you, and she wouldn't spend the time charting with you if it wasn't mutual. She also called you on the phone the other day, which speaks further for your mutual attraction and mutual desire to communicate. Perhaps just keep mental note of how many times in a row you are the initiator of communication. Give Dora a chance to act first if you find you have reached out first multiple times in a row. If she then initiates a chat session, calls you on the phone or asks you to meet with her, this will give you peace of mind that you are not being viewed as needy and it will also confirm for you that Dora is "needy" to, meaning that she is into you!

Okay Jason, I kind of felt my heart jump at those last few That's how I know my feelings are genuine. I like the idea of waiting at times for her to reach out. I think I will go with that. You've done it again...thank you!

AskJason : Haha yes, you've clearly been hit by Cupid, no doubt about that. So yes, just take it slow, monitor yourself casually just do you don't feel like you are the only one reaching out, and above all just have fun with this. Feelings of "need" can stem from a fear that you will lose or a fear that you will never achieve. How that relates to Dora is that you may be fearful you will lose her to someone else or fearful that you will never secure a relationship with her the way you wan to due to family pressures, your own apprehension to e viewed as "bisexual" from others, etc. All these fears jumping around in your head can create that needy, uneasy, vulnerable feeling you may be having. It's ok. Just let yourself know that Dora is communicating with you, flirting with you and even spending time with you because she truly wants to. Why else would she be? Of course it's because she is into you. Remind yourself of that every time you feel concern about being needy and it should give you some comfort and relaxation over the fears that try to sneak their way in. You're doing fine with this new process of exploring these feelings youre having as far as I can see, so enjoy this wonderful courtship phase and I wish you the best of luck!

Thanks a lot Jason. :) I appreciate your time and advice a lot.


Will let you know what happens.

AskJason : You're welcome and I'm here if you need me!
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