Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP
Hello, I am here for you and am happy to respond. Give me a moment to carefully read over and consider your question.
I understand, Elizabeth, and certainly will not judge you. This is what therapists are called to do, seek understanding, not judgment. Living with an active alcoholic who will not seek treatment is horrible and extremely lonely.
I am sorry you are feeling so sad and guilty.
You are so vulnerable and starved for attention that you were easily fooled by this man. You are not the first woman to fall for a man who will listen and seem to care.
Do you have any emotional support other thatn ALANON?
not really, I work outside the home. Iam acttive in my church. But other than alanon, no I dont. I have a close friend I talk with about my husbands drinking. I dont talk to my parents, they just worry.
And your husband refuses to get help for his drinking?
I have seen therapist for about 3 months. she basically told me I was reliving my past, because Iam an adult daughter od an alcholic family of origin.
he says he has no problem. he does what he wants
How can I be so fooled?
How terrible for you! How long has this been going on with him?
my husband, or the man I met?
Your husband, how long have you been enduring his drinking and lack of affection?
for to long. most of my married life,
You were fooled because you were starving for emotional intimacy. When we are starving, we will take food from anyone who promises to feed us.
Do you feel you have a good relationship with your therapist?
yes, I have not been in a while, because I was beginning to feel ome happiness from meeting someone I had a connection with. I wish I knew what happened. I know there are others out there that feel like I do. I feel like I was being conned. I dont know how to discern what to believe or not to believe. Iam a Christian, I do no harm to others, I have raised to wonderful children who I adore. I am a Deacon in my church, but at the same time i feel so unloved.
I know. You are lonely in a crowd of people, aren't you?
yes, And Iam tired of it. I give and give.I feel maybe something is just wrong with me.
I am sure you have heard the word Co-Dependent at ALANON or in therapy. Has anyone really explained it to you?
I believed someone was really hurting like me, I wanted to help, I needed a friend, I thought he felt like I did, .How can a man tell a women so much, and gain her trust, then just disappear. I feel so used.'
yes, Iam codependent. But Iam beginning to feel that is the only way I can receive any kind of affection
Because he is a user and wants no real emotional connection, like your husband. Until we work through our co-dependency in therapy, we will keep chosing men who are unhealthy and will hurt us.
Let me explain a bit more about Co-Dependency.
To tell you the truth, I can not tell the difference between someone using me, or just needing a friend
I know. When we grow up in an alcoholic family, we learn to put our feelings and needs behind those of our addicted parent(s). Their feelings and needs are always the most important thing and the family revolves around them. When lose touch with our feelings, we then have no idea of who we really are and we lose the ability to perceive other's motives.
So we end up thinking that we need to be in a dysfunctional relationship in order to be safe and happy, for this is how we survived as a child.
I imagine that this is why you have stayed with your husband for so many years.
Right now, i need some help to get over this man. How can a man tell a women over a period of 2 months, and tell her how much pain he is in, how much Happiness I had brought him, and then get upset with a couple of questions. Do you believe all of that was for just using me for sexual reasons? Why did he not go to a prostitute, or choose someone that is easly. Why go to all the trouble/
I dont know who to trust anymore
Well, he may be just as confused as you. And he may have truly meant what he told you. But unlike women, who can be satisfied with emotional intimacy without sex, men cannot. Men have high sex drives. He was courting you and his goal was sex. That's what most men do.
Does this make sense?
ok, well that explains it. i fell for something I thought was true. He got what he wanted. I do feel used. I believed what he told me, I guess with our age, 48 years old, I had hoped those types of games were over. He told me he was not looking for a fling, a one night stand, or anything like that. I quess it was all a lie
Well, I am sorry to say this is probably true. Maybe there is a good thing to come from this bad experience. You said you stopped therapy because you found someone to make you feel better. That is what Co-Dependency is all about. Perhaps now you can return to therapy and really get interest in you and discover who you really are and what you truly want out of life.
ok, thank you