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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My mother doesnt want to move closer to me and my daughter,

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My mother doesn't want to move closer to me and my daughter, her only grandchild. She has been unable to do so for years for reasons I understood. Now she an and says she doesn't want to, she doesn't like where I live and won't be happy here. I am finding it very difficult to understand, most grandparents I know would move heaven and earth to be closer to their grandchildren and mine doesn't . I never had a grandmother and I am afraid my child will not have a close bond with hers either.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

I can certainly understand your concerns. Family is very important. The issue is not that you will not have family because she doesn't move. You have to be able to structure a relationship around where she lives. It may be that you feel hurt by her unwillingness to move closer which feels very hurtful. However you have to respect her wishes. There may be a reason that has nothing to do with you. In that case it will bother you more if you personalize this. Engage her in finding a relationship that includes where she is now. Your daughter will still have a grandmother if she lives where she wishes. You shouldn't let your memories of what you didn't have impact this relationship. That will be damaging for you both. Instead use the creativity that you both have to accept her wishes and make ways to be a family.


Your mother probably wants to be a family but doesn't have enough to gain by moving. People establish strong support systems, jobs, hobbies etc where they are. maybe she is scared of change.


Please press accept; this is how I am compensated

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Actually she is moving, just not to be closer to us, to be closer to her sister. Yes, I am hurt that she doesn't want to be closer to her grandchild, am I wrong to feel that way? She actually let me believe for many years that she was going to move to be closer to us, but needed to sell her house to do so. She sold her house and tells me that she changed her mind and wants to move somewhere else. Her decision is going to make it harder on me because I now have to accommadate her wishes and still be able to see her granchild as much as she wants no matter what the imposition, whether it be having her stay with us or traveling 7 hours to see her.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
No you are never wrong because you are hurt. You are having the same reaction as most people would have because it feels personal. You want her to want to move there. It will make it harder but you have to accept it. She may not mean for it to be so inconvenient but that is reality. You will accommodate yourself eventually. Just try to accept that it isn't personal.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

So when she isn't understanding that I can not accomodate her, what should I say?

Last question. So by just accepting it, I should just shove down the hurt I feel and move on?

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
You have to be direct and honest. Don't worry about this. You can relate your wishes in a kind way. Be kind but willing to get your point across. Say something like "I know you need your space but I cannot afford to come there as much as you would like" You shouldn't shove anything down. You need to be heard and to say your piece so that she knows how you feel. Just do this in a nondefensive way and it will be fine.
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