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My Fiancee and I have two "kids" each... hers are 24 and 30,

Customer Question
mine 18 and 20 (she...
My Fiancee and I have two "kids" each... hers are 24 and 30, mine 18 and 20 (she is 54, iam 52). both her live at home and one of mine lives with his nasty Mom.

Our problem is she doesn't feel comfortable having my 18 year old move in with us in our new house. She feels that he will be plying for more of my time and leave her in the back seat.... she want a 50/50 time split with my ex who is not a nice person to either of our children.....

Thoughts?
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 5 minutes by:
5/3/2012
Counselor: Santo B, Social Worker replied 5 years ago
Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 86
Experience: Clinical Social Work
Verified

Santo B :

My name is XXXXX XXXXX I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Santo B :

Hello. Please give me a moment to read your question.

Santo B :

So, he children will live with the both of you in your new home, but she doesn't want your children to live with you? Is this correct?

Santo B :

Does your 18 year old and your fiancé get along?

Santo B :

Are you still there?

Customer:

to a point, she has been raising her kids for thirty years and doesn't want to have to raise more. it is her time in life to relax and enjoy. my son's mom (my ex) is not a nice person, to me or to the kids at times..... my fiancee wants to do a 50/50 split in tim with my ex and us. son wants to stay with us full time

Santo B :

How do you feel about the 50/50 split? It sounds like your uncomfortable with that, and with my experience, and 18 year old doesn't need much supervision or raising

Santo B :

Is your 18 year old mature and preparing to go to college?

Customer:

young for his age... not sure about the moving back and forth week to wek

Santo B :

That doesn't sound very stable for a young minded 18 year old teenager. My thought would be that at the very least try it out with him living with you and her full time. See if it works out

Santo B :

Is there a history with your son and fiancé? Have they had trouble getting along in the past?

Customer:

he is planning when grade 12 ends shortly to work for a year then back to school.... he has AD/HD which is under control with meds

Customer:

no real history or time to get to know each other over the last while. never met her until we were sure of our relationship

Santo B :

She has to understand that her children are adults, and your son is still growing up. He needs a stable environment that will allow him to complete school and stay on track with his plan to return to school in a year after he graduates. I don't think your ex would foster this type of growth for him.

Santo B :

I would sit and talk with her about trying it out with him staying with you full time. See how it works out. Have your fiancé and son get to know one another

Santo B :

He may like her, especially because the alternative would be for him to live with your ex, which it sounds like he doesn't want that. If you were to force this 50/50 living arrangement, it may cause some resentment on his part and maybe a bit of rebellious behavior

Customer:

she has spent only a bit of time with him, mostly at his hockey games, always when he is hyper

Customer:

she got a "bad" feeling she says when they first me

Santo B :

Maybe a nice quiet dinner at home would help. You could arrange it and cook the dinner, so they can sit at the table to get to know one another.

Santo B :

Do you believe your son would cause a rift in your relationship between you and your fiancé if he lived with you

Customer:

he hasn't got a lot of attention from me in the past 9 months due to many things, biggest on was my dad getting ill then passing the end of feruary

Customer:

my fiancee loves me completely but feels therewill be problems in the house, not sure on my son as we use to do everything together before and he (and I) and I miss that.

Santo B :

In my opinion, I think you need to sit and talk with your fiancé about wanting to have your son live with you full time, and set up a time for them to meet and talk. You can also set expectations and ground rules for the house.

Customer:

on the same hand I have never felt this way about a woman, she is everything including my best friend

Santo B :

I believe based on what you are saying that you want him to live with you

Customer:

I do, she is very unsure and feels that she will end up having to leave as we won't be able to have a relationship for the two of us

Santo B :

As a father and a soon to be husband, you will have to share yourself with your son and future wife. In my opinion, if you choose the 50/50 living arrangement, you would have chosen her choice over his. I realize that you love you fiancé and i don't doubt that she loves you, but you don't want to begin a marriage with choices and ultimatums.

Santo B :

I am not sure if you agree with what i am saying, but based on my professional opinion, at the very least you should try and make a living arrangement work that is comfortable for all three of you.

Customer:

each time she meets him, she becomes more unfavorable... is it because this is her "first experience" with a 17 year old boy??

Santo B :

Maybe. It could be a number of things. I don't know her well enough to make assumptions or opinions about her, but you need to make certain that you and your son are satisfied with the arrangement. What are his thoughts about the living arrangement? What are his thoughts about you marrying her?

Customer:

thanks

Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 86
Experience: Clinical Social Work
Verified
Santo B and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Counselor: Santo B, Social Worker replied 5 years ago
I am writing to follow up with you and see if anything has changed since we last spoke. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or concerns.
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Santo B
Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 86
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