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TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3524
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My husband had telephone/internet affair last April w/ exwife,

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My husband had telephone/internet affair last April w/ exwife, and I believe he still in contact w/ her. In mid-April this year after watching tv late evening, husband gets up and goes to bathroom/bed,which I thought unusually because he has a routine before going to bed. I got up and went into bedroom and getting in bed and husband said, "what did you come back here for, you saw me come back here". I said, oh, and went back out to living room, stunned. We been together 18 yrs and this first time he has ever said something like that to me. Am I being paranoid to think that they may have had an anniversary telephone/internet thing kind of set up that evening since it was exactly a year ago they started.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hi. Welcome. I am a Licensed Master Social Worker with more than 20 years experience working with individuals and families on a variety of issues.

CoachJenK :

It does sound a bit disconcerting that he would ask why you have entered your bedroom.

CoachJenK :

I see you are offline so I will write down my thoughts and then look forward to hearing back from you if you need more support.

CoachJenK :

If he hasn't done this before and helped to make you feel like a stranger in your own bedroom, my curiosity would be raised as well.

CoachJenK :

I am wondering what kind of resolve existed around the ending of this internet/telephone affair and what the two of you did to move past it and heal the hurt. if there wasn't any couples counseling then it still may be unresolved. I would suggest at this point that you ask him calmly if there is anything still going on with her or with someone else. if you love him and want to work on things then counseling now could be a great help to both of you.

CoachJenK :

it is clear that you still have feelings of mistrust and rightly so after a betrayal.

CoachJenK :

if he refuses to entertain the idea of counseling then i would still suggest that you go on your own to get the support.

CoachJenK :

do I think you are paranoid...no I do not. But can i know for sure what you husband was doing in there and why he made that comment, I cannot. does it mean he was doing something like connecting with her? No way to really tell. but i do suggest you begin the conversation with him and be loving and gentle so you can get to the feelings about all of it.

CoachJenK :

Let me know if i can help you further. Please also look at www.PsychologyToday.com and put in your zip code to find a therapist in your area.

CoachJenK :

In the meantime don't forget to take care of you! Let me know how else I can help support you.

CoachJenK :

Warmly,

CoachJenK :

Jen

Customer:

No, no counseling has been done. He refuses. I could tell you a million things this guy has done, such as begging me to go out is a terrible storm to get him something, after he just came in, because he ill, only to come back finding him talking to her. i was eight months pregnant. From drugs, alcohol, money issues. There are so many more things. However, I chose to stay w/ him bc of kids. My parents were divorced when I was young and it was not a good thing for me. When I wanted to divorce one time, one of my kids was very emotional and I felt it was better to stay at that time. However, they are high school age now and they're eyes have been opened. He is not a bad dad, parenthood is just inconvenient for him. The boys and I feel that he resents us because we take him away from his family. He is black and I am white. It's sad, but he would rather be sitting around shooting the breeze with family members in the backyard than to go to a kid's ball game. My kids think all black men do is drink and smoke. Sad. The writing is on the wall, but I chose to wait until the boys were out of school. I just do not talk to anyone bc I do not want anyone to know what goes on.

CoachJenK :

I hear it all and am looking forward to continuing our talk. I am now back on line and apologize that I wasn't when you wrote.

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