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AskJason, Relationship Answers
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 39
Experience:  B.A. Psychology
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I have been married for 7 years and have a 2 and 1/2 year old daughter. I have a 12 and and 11 year old from a previous marriage. My wife and I have been having marriage problems for the past year. We fight often, sex is not in the picture and its like we have been friends. She has a history of anxiety and depression which I knew going into the marriage. I am an RN so I tend to want to take care of people in all the relationships I have been in. I think the wear and tear of the depression has taken a toll on me as well. I am away this week for business and she texted me that she knows she hasnt been there mentally for me to support me with a business I am starting and this is true..we havent been there for each other. The problem is, I dont have it it me to work on this marriage any more. We tried books and went went to a councilor and I said this.
Here is the bigger problem:
I started a weight loss contest in January that is held online. You chat with people from all over the US are are in the same contest giving weight loss advice and such. I hit it off great with Becky, who is in the same contest. We messaged each other on there and after awhile we decided to text each other support. Thats all it was. After while, we discussed family, kids, my business and the weight loss goals. She knows I am married but not happy. Over time, I started falling for Becky. Becky is not the reason my marriage wasn't hasn't for a long time. Becky doesnt need me to take of her. She is the first strong independent woman I have fallen for.
I come to Vegas 4 times a year for seminars and we decided that by sticking to this contest together that on my next trip out here, she would come for 4 out of the 10 days

I am in Vegas now and she came last Friday...was suppose to leave on Tuesday but said her daughter needed her back so she left on Monday. We went to dinners, some shows and drove 5 hours each way to the Grand Canyon. I think I just held her hand a few times and gave her a small kiss twice. Nothing more than that. When she left, I started asking myself about this situation. Becky and I get along so well...we have the same family values, she makes me a better person and I want to do the same for her. Love is such a overused word which I hate using but I do love her. I cant imagine my life without her.

After she left, I shared this with her. That I believe I love her, see myself with her and my marriage failing had nothing to do with her..that this has been going on for over a year. She lives in Texas and I am in St Louis. She is super super close to her family and that is something she is battling right now. She thinks I am a great guy but is hesitant because of her family. She has a 8 year old daughter. I support her flying back each month seeing her family. She may ultimately decide she just cant leave her family and I want her to be happy and would never push her to do something she would resent me for. Her decision is up in the air.

For me...I want to do what is right here. I could let Becky go and focus on my marriage again which is what my wife wants. I think about that and I cant get Becky out of my mind. I love her and would regret and always wonder if I let the person I love go. I am afraid that this would stay with me forever. My stomach and heart hurts when I say that.

I need some advice on the direction to go here. I typed up a sheet on which I wrote how I would explain this to my wife. She knows we havent been here for each other and I would be honest and say I met someone from the weightloss site that grew on me because of what we shared and now I am confused. Maybe that is not what I should say. Please help.

AskJason :

Hi, I would be glad to try to answer your question.

AskJason :

Based on what you said, I think you would benefit from separating your feelings for these two women and analyzing them independently from the other. What I mean by that is you should first decide if you love your wife, and if that love is strong enough to try to fight to make the relationship work and the marriage last. It is very easy to let the promise of a new relationship cast a shadow of doubt on your existing relationship. An existing relationship will always have a tough time competing with new relationship, since the new relationship is largely made up of your expectations and ideals and even your fantasies, while your existing relationship much close reflects reality.

AskJason :

Only you can decide whether or not your wife and your marriage is worth trying to save. You said your wife is interested in trying to work things out. You have a child together and obviously you married her for a reason. Perhaps if you put aside thoughts of Becky for a moment you can see light at the end of the tunnel with your wife and you will decide to try to save your marriage?

AskJason :

On the other hand, you make some very profound statements about your feelings for Becky. It seems you have serious and deep feelings for her. The hard part, as you know, is to decide if giving up your current marriage, possibly breaking your wife's heart, causing emotional pain for your daughter, etc are all worth pursuing what you feel for Becky. Nobody can make this choice for you and it is definitely not an easy one. You sound like a man who doesn't want to end up cheating on his wife and you want to be honest with her, which is of course admirable. My opinion would be that you definitely need to do some real soul searching, decide which relationship you want to pursue, and then be open and honest in whatever path you take.

AskJason :

I am going to switch this over the the Q&A format since you don't appear to be online, so you may reply to me at your convenience. I hope my answers helped!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for your answer. It is hard to step back independently from one another but I am trying. I dont even know if Becky will pursue anything further because her family in Texas is SUPER CLOSE. This is one way I am separating things but thinking if Becky wasnt in the picture would I still choose to work on my current relationship. I HATE my daughter having to have to go through this. If she wasnt in the picture, I know that I would not be married still. Does this say anything?? She has kept me married. I do not love Becky because of a wild fling, sex, anything like that. The two women are total opposites of each other and for once, I met someone that is independent and doesn't need me. I can see myself being with Becky and her daughter for good. THIS SUCKS Divorce is ugly..I've been there with the kids first mom. My two kids have coped well and that was a good choice. If Becky decides to try with me...I just cant see myself not appraoching my wife and having to be honest on my feelings here. Do you think that is the best go home next week...tell her my dilemia and see where it goes?
I do believe that honesty is the best policy. It is usually the hardest path to take, and it will undoubtedly be uncomfortable for you to have to tell your wife all you plan to tell her. Again, nobody can make this decision for you as far as which woman/relationship to fight for, and you are correct that "it sucks" to be in this type emotional dichotomy. If you do decide to try to work things out with your wife, then maybe there is no reason to tell her about Becky if you decide you will no longer pursue Becky. Like you said, you have not been physically intimate with Becky yet beyond a kiss. While a kiss is still considered cheating, the harm you may do to your relationship by telling all this to your wife if you no longer intend to pursue Becky may not be worth it. However, if you plan to continue this progressively intimate relationship with Becky, then you will likely feel better by telling your wife the truth and not hiding it from her and therefore developing a guilty conscience.
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Thank you for the Accept and I see you posted to me on that other question which you addressed to the two other experts. I won't reply to that as I trust I have already answered the question you had for me, but if you do have an additional question for me you are free to post a new question and start it with "For AskJason147" and it will be assigned to me. Thanks again. (Please do not click Accept to this answer as there is no need for you to be charged for this reply.)