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Howard Wise
Howard Wise, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 650
Experience:  Counseling with a compassionate ear and a loving heart.
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I am a seven day a week single father of four young kids.

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I am a seven day a week single father of four young kids. Right after the divorce I have had a steady flow of woman asking me out. That was weird in its self. On top of that the women have been very attractive. I lost all my money, I am above avg looking but not Rico Suave. I dont screw around for fun. I like to connect. A people pleaser type. The two relationships I chose appear to be very different women but a similar concern has arose. The first was a classic borderline seductress (ex wife diagnosed bpd). Crazy. Showing up at my house, hovering over my bed, a cheater/liar but very successful and the most desired woman in town. She wanted me just to have sex with her every night but that made me sick. She connected deep w me and I couldnt shake it for a while although I never called her after we broke up. Within a day I meet what seems to be a normal well adjusted gal. She aggressively pursues me even after I told her I wont date anyone as my kids need me 100%. She understands but after a month of being friends, we go on 5 dates. Talk everyday. We are heading to a dynamic sexual relationship. I have made it clear she needs to be ok w some intergration or move on. She says yes but take things slow. That is code for dating others. Then I realize I am being objectified again. My guy friends would trade places in a second they say. She is very desirable, 12 yrs younger, a professor and Im thinking "what the heck is going on"? I got real depressed yesterday. Felt like the world changed a lot during my 12 yr marriage. Is this random, do u think selfish woman r chosing me bcs I am the nice guy whom has to stay home so they feel safe? I am confused.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
Good morning, this is Howard,

This is a very interesting problem. I have not come across this one before.

I'm very glad to hear that you are trying to do right by your four children. I am very impressed by that. They need you to be there for them 100%, as I'm sure you realize.

You have a very difficult and challenging task and I think you will need all the support you can get in terms of being in a relationship with a woman who understands your situation and cares about your children.

I'm not really sure what's going on here other than that perhaps you have some powerful, animal magnetism or you are releasing some very appealing pheromones. I'm not surprised that your friends are envious of you, however, it appears that they do not understand what a problem this has become are you.

I think you may be right that selfish women are choosing you because you're a nice guy who has to stay home. These women are not looking for any type of committed relationship, from what you have reported, they're only looking for sexual partner. So you fit the bill. Unfortunately, that's not what you're looking for and it is getting you down and confused.

I really don't think there's anything for you to worry about other than trying to be more careful about the women you become involved with. It's possible that you may not be ready for a relationship right now given the responsibilities that are facing you. So, you might consider placing a sign on your door that says "Sorry, I think you're quite beautiful, but I'm currently not available."

Please feel free to post a follow-up question if you like.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I make it soooooo clear to them. In the prior example her friends did everything they could to disuade her bcs they knew it was wrong. She is a classic BPD and my Counsellor told me to never answer the door and delete her #. I didnt listen at first. Wish I did. The second has me confused now. I have been even more clear with her. I will give it two weeks then I will lay the law down and move on if needed. I also think these women selfishly convince themselves its worth a try ignoring the lives affected and instead thinking how I can make them feel. Maybe in the second case its just youth. I dont know but I will out that sign up again. Thank u. AND PLEASE MAKE SURE NON OF THIS IS PUBLISHED. NOT HARD FOR SOMEONE IN THIS TOWN TO KNOW THE ACTORS IN THIS PLAY.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
I'm sorry for the delay in responding to your second post. There's a problem with the website this morning and I didn't see your reply.

I'm glad to hear that you see a counselor because that will certainly help provide the extra support you need at this time.

I think you have a good handle on what's going on and what you need to do to.

I would be happy to continue advising you, should the need arise again in the future. When you post your new question, if you do, please write my name at the beginning of it so that I will be the expert who responds.

Good luck!
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