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Hi, I'm Alicia. Thanks for asking your question. Do you have time to chat now? If you could just give me a moment, I want to read your entire message.
Hi there :) I just want to ask you a few questions as I'm reading what you've written.
I just want to make sure I'm following everything correctly. The guy you met - the one you're interested in now - you had sex a few times, then you told him the last time was goodbye. Then you went to his mate's house, caught a cab, and the guy you like (not the mate) called you to come back, right? The mate is not involved in the situation here?
yes that is correct
Okay, thanks. Just a few more moments as I am almost done reading your message, I'll be with you in a moment.
Okay. It sounds like a complicated situation. It seems that he is sending you mixed messages and he's not being clear about what he wants (or he's actually not sure what he wants.) What do you want out of the situation? Are you looking for a committed relationship? You say you want to get to know him better without the label (which I can absolutely understand), but you don't want to be friends, right?
Yeah, I guess I've never made a friend out of someone I'm attracted to. I can only see it ending sadly
It seems that things progressed pretty rapidly between you two and I do understand why you might be feeling like, as you said, a booty call. Although it's not entirely sounding to me like this is the case. Do you have a gut feeling about his intentions, about him as a person? You say you're not sure if he's a waste of time - so there's some part of you that is questioning his motives.
Also - you say he keeps you lingering - how so?
He comes across as a very trustworthy guy. But I guess my senses are heightened simply because he's 25, and the stereotype that surrounds a 25
not that he comes across as a typical 25 year old though
that's why I'm lost
Oh yes, I can understand that - but it's not a huge age difference, and there are a lot of guys who are more mature at 25. (More mature than some guys at 35, even :))
yeah my ex is 36 and he had no idea either
this guy I like has said he doesn't know what he wants
but I don't see why I should wait around to find out
The thing is, I can see why you'd feel like giving him space (and giving yourself space) to sort things out. You kind of went to the middle phase of the relationship before you even got started - so there was no real "getting to know you" period.
should I be more assertive and simply ask him out?
You absolutely shouldn't have to wait around to find out - life's too short for that. But you have to think about what you want - not what you think he might want.
Honestly, to me, it sounds like he likes you. He's come right out and said so - but he could be scared off because you were intimate early on - and he might be afraid of intimacy or getting too close too fast. So you were wise to pull back a little bit.
that does make sense to some things he's tried to tell me
he's scared of women - his last ex over a year ago hurt him
and with his mother dying
he's scared I guess
(Especially with what you said about his past, with losing his mum - women could be "scary" to him, on some level). But now, it sounds like you could take the bull by the horns and be a bit more assertive - it sounds like he's waiting for you to make the next move, almost. Do you think that's the case?
We don't have to psychoanalyze him, of course :) But he could be afraid to pursue you because he likes you and is afraid to get hurt if you turn him down. It sounds like you have to back up a few steps and slow things down and start over from the "getting to know you" phase.
which I guess is what he's asking by asking to at least be friends
Haha :) I think that could be his way of saying he wants to get to know you at a slower pace, with no strings attached. If you're okay with that, it seems to me that the best move might be to simply have a direct conversation with him, to avoid getting into a back and forth game playing kind of situation (not that I am saying you would do that, but it could get sticky if you don't get some things out in the open with him, you know?)
If you are friends, but don't label it as such, and just say that you are getting to know each other and that's that, and you'll see what happens and take it slow, and that kind of thing, maybe that's the best way to handle it right now?
Yeah we do keep playing the, i'm leaving, no stay game
yes, thank you alicia - you make perfect sense!
Right! I've seen this happen so many times - and both people are thinking the same thing but no one is saying it :) So don't be afraid to be honest and ask for what you want. Assertiveness can really help you in this situation :)
Very true - worst thing that can happen is he runs away
Exactly. And then you're no worse off - then you know he wasn't right for you and you can move on to someone who is :)
I can't believe how silly I've been
Ha ha - I wish you lots of luck. I think you have a good, strong personality going for you, (and a good sense of humor), so if he says no, he's nuts :) Is there anything else you'd like to discuss today?
Thank you :) That was the only thing consuming my thoughts!
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