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My boyfriend of 4 months emailed the following words to me

two weeks ago, "I am...
My boyfriend of 4 months emailed the following words to me two weeks ago, "I am quite overwhelmed right now. I have to find my a way out. I hope I will be able to share at some point in time."

I've told him I'm there if he needs me or to talk and to please call me. He hasn't responded to either my email or phone request since.
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Answered in 16 minutes by:
5/2/2012
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Verified

Dr Levang :

Hello,

Dr Levang :

I would like to help you with your question.

Dr Levang :

While this may sound like a confusing email, there appears to be an honest attempt to say that his life has become complicated and he needs some time to sort things out. I can understand that being patient is difficult and that receiving no response in two weeks is disturbing.

Dr Levang :

Do you have any ideas about what is overwhelming him? Might it be work or school responsibilities? Or family issues of some kind?

Dr Levang :

Two weeks is a long time and certainly you do not want to go on for many more months without any clue as to what is happening to him.

Dr Levang :

I see that you are offline right now. When you come online I will be notified so we can chat.

Dr Levang :

Thank you.

Customer:

I think all of the above - work responsibilities /home situation

Customer:

I know he has a lot on is plate right now with his work/home and family situation. I also think his initial feelings for me hit him very hard as I feel he fell in love with me too soon and maybe had too high expectations in the getting to know you phase.

Dr Levang :

Hello,

Dr Levang :

Thanks for your reply. What would you like to do? Do you want to give him much more time or do you feel that two weeks is enough?

Dr Levang :

From what you wrote, it seems that you are suggesting that he fell in love too fast and that what he is doing right now is stepping back so that he can put the relationship in perspective and be more realistic about where you two are headed?

Dr Levang :

Is that true?

Customer:

I think so however I really don't know that for sure. Maybe i can't accept the reality that it's over. I want answers and closure and I feel that I won't have that unless one of us contacts the other. A part of me is afraid to contact him because i don't want to hear that it's over however the non-emotional part of me knows that I can't go on this way. What do you think?

Dr Levang :

His message is difficult to precisely understand. On the one hand...it suggests that he is very busy and doesn't have the time he would like to talk or be together. But it doesn't say...I don't want to be in a relationship with you. When he writes...I hope I will be able to share at some point...it says the door is open...I just am so tied up right now that I don't have the proper time to talk. I hear nothing that says I don't want to be with you and this relationship is over on my part.

Dr Levang :

And absolutely...if it is over...then he needs to say that clearly...but there is nothing in what he wrote that indicates he wants to end the relationship.

Dr Levang :

So where does this put you? I think you have been patient enough. No...two weeks is not a long time in the big scheme of life. But...two weeks with no communication and the message he sent you...does seem like a long time not to hear something more.

Customer:

So what should I do?

Dr Levang :

I would give him until mid-week.

Customer:

And then?

Dr Levang :

Then...if you have not heard from him...send him an email or letter and say that you have been patient and understand, but that you need to known if he means to end the relationship or if there are things happening at home/work/school that are taking up so much of his time that he does not have time for a proper conversation.

Dr Levang :

I would be rather insistent that you are willing to continue to be patient if he is sorting things so that you can have a relationship, but if he is meaning to end the relationship that it happen now and not some time in the future.

Dr Levang :

Another way to handle this would be to send an email or letter indicating that you will call in a day or two to talk about your correspondence.

Customer:

You are so right. In the end I need to know. I would have preferred to be told that I don't want to see you anymore rather than be in this limbo. Thank you. I will do as you suggest. However if he says he needs more time, what do I do?

Dr Levang :

I encourage you to decide in advance how much time you are willing to wait for him. You said that he fell in love...did you? If you feel that this is someone you want in your life then the answer of how long to wait will be easy...right? But...if you are unsure of the relationship..well, there is a different response...

Dr Levang :

I think it depends on what YOU want from the relationship...and not what he wants.

Dr Levang :

At this point, he has put in a crack in your trust. If he had wanted to end the relationship...he should have been clear. If he needed time to decide what he wanted...fine...then say that. This limbo position is not reasonable.

Customer:

I love him. I want to continue exploring this potential of a relationship. I don't want to continue being in limbo. Trust is an issue now. I appreciate your advice and will do as you suggest.

Dr Levang :

I am glad you found this chat helpful!

Dr Levang :

Is there any last question I can answer?

Customer:

No. You've answered them. Thanks again. Goodnight.

Dr Levang :

You are welcome.

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Verified
Dr. L and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Dr. Levang,

I took your advice and did as you suggested. I sent the email on Thursday and he contacted me by email on the Friday by saying he would call me on Monday evening to discuss the email content. Even though I was skeptical, I gave him the benefit of a doubt. It's now Wednesday and i've yet to hear from him. My head says don't expect to ever hear from him again. It's over. My heart is still saying he's a good one. How do I get my heart to accept what my head is saying. I know this is over. Do I need closure or just acceptance?

Hello,

I am glad you wrote to him as it was important for you to take care of yourself in this situation. That he said he would call and then never did tells alot about him doesn't it? Not very good follow-thru on his part. There is still the chance that he will call...but that was never the point of you writing. The point was to make contact and to take care of your feelings. Yes...it would be wonderful if he woud call so that you could chat and clear the air. But...as you knew all along you do not have the power to make him respond.

 

It is likely that you believe you need both closure and acceptance. The closure would be saying a proper "good-bye" and being able to walk away with a sense of completion. The acceptance would be a letting go completely and saying that you did all you could to re-connect and to share your feelings with him.

 

I don't know what you put in the email...so...did you do both of the above? Did you say "good-bye" and did you share your feelings?

 

What do you think you need but haven't gotten yet?

 

I await your reply.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I shared my feelings however I didn't say goodbye. I guess for me to find closure I need to say goodbye, don't I?

Hello,

Yes...as hard as it might be...it would be important for you to say a good-bye.

 

I can understand how much you wanted it to turn out differently. Still, at this point it seems that the best thing for you to do would be to say good-bye so that you can heal.

 

 

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
Verified
Dr. L and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Dr. L Your Own Question
Dr. L
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,168
1,168 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

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