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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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Ive been in a relationship with a woman for over a year and

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I've been in a relationship with a woman for over a year and while it was the most wonderful with both of us in love and even wanting to spend the rest of our lives together, we kept having problems which ended up in yelling arguments time and time again. Every time I tried to express something that was bothering me she would shluff it off and therefore the same issue would come up over and over again. Eventually, a huge blowup happened and we mutually decided to split. But after a week went by, feeling have been going back and forth until finally after three weeks said that she loved me but was not "In love" with me anymore. After some more time went by, I realized that I am still in love with her. She then stated that she wanted to be friends, but I couldn't at first because of my strong feelings for her. After I finally let go, I told her that I was good to go and ready to move on so I could be friends if she wanted to. So we talked. WOW!!! So when we finally talked and actually communicated about everything and began reminising about the good in our relationship and sharing how we both had desired to spend the rest of our life together, we cried together over and over. It was extremely emotional. So emotional that we were telling each other how much we loved each other but that it sucked that we just couldn't seem to make it work. But as we talk, we still have this understanding that we are only going to be friends. Unfortunately, I know that deep down inside me, I still love her tremendously and although I can move on, I wish that our re;lationship could be repaired. Am I a fool for continuing to have hope that someday it might be repaired, or are the chances are that it is over. Don't know what to do or even think at this point
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for your question. My name is XXXXX XXXXX I'd like to help you out.

After such an emotional reconnection, it would be hard not to have some feelings stirred up, especially after seeing her crying because of the way that things turned out. Considering your history together, there may be a chance that at some point you will be able to repair this relationship, although at this point it seems like there's no telling if/when that opportunity will happen. Because of that, you are certainly entitled to hold out hope that things will work out, but that may make it difficult to be friends without knowing if that is a possibility for her too.

One option would be to tell her honestly how you feel after the conversation you had recently. If it will otherwise drive you crazy to be friends with her since you are still in love with her, it may not hurt to just tell her how you feel. It's possible that some emotions were stirred up in her as well, and even if you don't get back together right away, it might be good to have an honest conversation about how you feel and see where things go. That may risk the ability to have a friendship with her, but if that was going to be difficult for you anyway, it might be worth talking to her about it.

The other option would be to just see where things go, and be friends with her. I definitely don't think you're a fool for hoping things may some day be repaired, especially after the way you reconnected. However, it does seem like you have to prepare yourself for the possibility that she's still moving on. Sometimes in a situation like this the best thing you can do is to do nothing, and allow a little time to go by and see how things go. After seeing her a couple more times you may have a much better idea of how to approach this, and a better idea of how she feels towards you.

I certainly wish you the best and hope that I've been able to answer your question. If there's anything else I can do to help just let me know.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Well, I woke up this morning and was very emotional about our talk yesterday when we were both crying etc..So I texted her and told her how I felt and that our conversation yesterday made it a bit more difficult to get over this. Her response was, I'm sorry. Maybe we should not talk now. And that she feels upset too. But need to try and accept and be strong. I then told her that I'd be fine. It was just another wave of emotions and that I was very sad as I thought about our good times together and how beautiful she was in her dress in Hawaii. She then replied that she felt sad too and that this is not easy for her either. So I told her that it may take a little while to get over this but that I would be ok. She then said that she honestly cared about me and is going thru the same thing as me. So I told her that I was going to get some breakfast and that I was sorry, but I just woke up messed up from our conversation yesterday. But that I'm ok now. Her reply, Remember, I think you are a wonderful man and that she misses me too.


So how do you read all of this? It was late last night so I didn't get you answer until after this happened this morning. Maybe this gives you a little more detailed look into my situation.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 5 years ago.
At this point sounds like she is being honest with you, and it has to feel good to know that she is going through the same thing that you are. From what she said, it still sounds like she isn't ready to be anything more than friends right now, and it does sound like she is still sorting through her feelings and figure out exactly how she wants to handle this.

Going back to your original question, it certainly doesn't seem like you are a fool for holding out hope, especially after the conversation you had this morning. However, there may also not be anything to do about this situation right now until she figures out how she feels about everything. From your conversation this morning it seems like there are still feelings there, but it is still hard to know if she is going to allow herself to give this another try.

It does sound like the problems that you've had in the past are preventing her being being comfortable in continuing the relationship right now. I would think that if you were to continue to spend time together and things go well, it is possible that she will eventually consider giving the relationship another chance. It is still hard to say if/when this will happen, but after what happened this morning it does seem like there is a little more reason to be optimistic. i would think that if you were to continue to be friends and give her the time and space she needs, you'll start to get a much better idea of the chances of working this out. All in all, the conversation this morning does sound encouraging, although you still may have to take this slowly.

All the best,

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