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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Hi, I am trying to make sense of what is going on with my

Customer Question


I am trying to make sense of what is going on with my ex-partner and myself and so would welcome a female perspective bacause I am quite frankly confused and emotionally drained.

I have been friends with my ex for about 18-months, she wanted persued me quite a lot in the begining but I was happy with my single life at that time so we were friends. However just over a year ago it became apparent that we actually fell in love with each other and decided to give it a go. She is 40 and I am 46, we both have been split from our marriages for quite a few years and both have 3 teenage children and both have our own houses. At the time of going out with my ex she was on anti-depressants at a high dose and had quite a few worries in her life with regards XXXXX XXXXX children and ex husband. However we have been a fantastic support for each other and laughed a lot, although we both worry about money even though we both work hard.

In the past year we have had 2 bad arguments, which were in alcohol when we said some things to each other that would never be said sober! However these 2 occassions were last year and one at the begining of the year. We have since recognised that when we go out one or the other does not drink much so it this does not and has not occurred since. There has never been any physical abuse on either side and apart from those 2 occassions we hardly ever argue and talk over problems. In saying that in the past 6-months she has completely lost her sex drive, not that it was that big before and I told her that I was a bit concerned but agreed that it was OK as thats what happens when lifes problems and looking after 3 kids get in the way, we all get tired. In the meantime over the past 2 months she has attempted to come off her anti depressants as she thought life was good and happy with me and often told me she loved me and that she couldnt imagine her life without me. However over that past few weekends and when she has had too much to drink she has said that she doesnt think she's enough for me and that I should find someone that gives me as much back as I give in terms of love and affection. On all of these occassions I have not had anything to drink and just held her as she cried and said we would talk when she was sober! Then the following morning she would apologise and say that she doesnt want to split up. These occassions caused me to have concerns and when we went for a drive I asked her to be honest and tell me if she wanted to split as I don't feel settled now! She took my habd and told me she loved me and did not want to part. I thought all was ok then!

The weekend before last she went away with the kids and other mums for the weekend and I lent her my car. I was with my kids and when standing at a pedestrian crossing a car clipped the kerb and ran over me and my leg. Went to hospital and it is broken and put in a cast for 6 weeks. My job will not pay sick pay when Im off, which I can deal with, however I had just got a new job in the police which entailed quite a big pay rise and because I broke my leg they have to withdraw the offer as I cannot start at the required time! So when she got back I was on the sick from work and housebound and lost a new job! She came over in the morning on her way to work and was loving as usual, had a coffee and left her running clothes here for her to go running when she got home. However she never came back that evening and I could not get hold of her. Eventually she rang me and told me she wanted to end the relationship. She cried uncontrollably on the phone, she said she cant imagine her life without me in it and that when I meet someone else I wont be her friend any more! I just didnt see this coming! I was devastated.

Since then she has been around every day, taken me to the hospital, got me shopping, made me food, taken me out for lunch, cried with me but when I ask why shes doing this she said it doesnt feel right and to stop asking her to get back together. I am broken!!! She said I can still go on holiday with her in July that we booked with her family. When she comes over she holds me and tells me she loves me and kisses me and when we out anywhere she holds my hand and puts her arm around me and is very close.....I feel sick and don't know whats going on!! I have texted and told her I only want her and whatever is wrong we can work it out together!! she said that there is nothing bad she can say about me, she loves me and still fancies me but is not enough for me!! which is rubbish!! She texted me this morning saying that she is not taking her phone to work as she cannot bear to read any texts from me as she cannot stop crying and she cannot sleep at night.....

What should do? Sorry for the above being so long!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer! No wonder you're confused--it's hard to make sense of her behavior. Since she has continued to support and be affectionate to you, this may be one of those times that a person loves you but doesn't feel
"in love" with you. The loss of interest in sex is one indication that this may be the case.

The situation is complicated by the fact that she's been coming off her medication. Withdrawal from antidepressants can cause moodiness, tearfulness, feelings of anxiety, etc.

If in fact she's realized she's not "in love" with you, then she has done the right thing in breaking off the relationship. These feelings are not something that can be corrected or repaired. It sounds as if the two of you tried to make a great friendship into something more, and it didn't work-- for her-- in a sustainable way.

It may not be the best idea to go on that July holiday together. Your best chance at finding out if she truly cannot imagine you gone from her life may be to put some distance between the two of you once you're out of your cast.

She has made it clear that you've done nothing wrong--so there's nothing for you to fix. She knows that you love her more than she loves you, and she feels badly about that, but you can't fix that situation. Once you're back on your two feet, start rebuilding a life for yourself that has the possibility of meeting someone new--someone who will be head over heels "in love" with you.
Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

She told me she still does fancy me though and that she just has too many other problems to contend with and needs to work out whats going on with her. she texted me that she loved me last night and this morning said she is not feeling good...When I asked if this was definately over for me to have closure she said she couldnt answer that? Do you think there is a chance?

Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
It may be that she is really off balance from stopping the medication. Here's a link to help explain why she's "not herself" these days.

At this point, you have nothing to lose by giving her a few more weeks. Let her pursue you. There's a chance that when things settle down, she may realize what you really mean to her, and she may want to give it another chance. But step back a bit, and let her come to you. Be receptive when she contacts you, but don't pressure her for an answer right now. However, make it clear that you're not willing to wait forever. For some women, a man that is "too nice" can be taken for granted. You may find that as you pull back a bit that she pursues you more. Set a deadline in your mind that you are willing to wait for an answer...and if that date comes up and you still don't have an answer, it will be time for you to begin dating other people.