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KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience:  17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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Since I have became financially dependent on my boyfriend our

Customer Question

Since I have became financially dependent on my boyfriend our relationship has turned for worse. I feel like he is looking for excuses not to come home and in general I don't feel as loved as i used to. At the same time I became obsessive and unhappy. How could i deal with this? At the moment i am in education and we don't have children together, although he has a child from previous marriage.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

Becoming dependent almost always has its downside. It shifts the roles in the home and this causes people to have problems adjusting to such change. If you see this as a negative then this can have a negative impact on your self esteem. So you have to first address how you see your role in this relationship. That may mean that he has to address you in a way that is reassuring and positive. This reassurance can help you adjust and find positive ways to participate in this. I would speak to him about the need you have to function in this capacity and feel good about yourself. You can also find a counselor in your state by logging onto the American Psychological Association.


You should also work as a couple on communication. If you want the best reference for communication try anything in the Mars and Venus series. This covers issues such as positive communication and also contains the Rules of Fair Fighting. You can look them up to see what you and your partner are doing wrong. Strategies do not have to include yelling or arguing. the point is to settle disputes without these negative habits.


Find positive activities to do for yourself. Sometimes we don't dedicate any time to just ourselves. Schedule at least one activity each week that will make you feel rejuvenated. That time is just for you. It is important to find value by just focusing on you. You have to feel that you are worthy or no one else will.


Don't give into the negative energy that comes with being dependent. If you can be creative to earn a modest income just so you feel that you have that money was yours.



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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Could you please explain to me what I could possibly do to get my self esteem back (apart from actually getting a job) and to stop thinking negative of him (jealousy).
Also could you please explain if he might actually be loosing interest in me because I'm dependent. He doesn't admit to it, but in the beginning of relationship i recall him saying he would like independant relationship, but then he actually encouraged me himself to stop working.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
If he actually encouraged you to stop working then you have to focus on that rather than what happened early in the relationship. People and circumstances change. If he encouraged you then that was his choice and he made it for a reason. As far as self esteem you could find a counselor in your area so that you have support. Or you could take advantage of any resource in your self help aisle that targets self esteem issues. My view is that reassurance would be immensely helpful since the source is with what your boyfriends thinks. Find activities where you feel creative and purposeful. You know your strengths and you should use them to your advantage
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Other.
I am on this late purposely because i DO NOT want to go to counseling sessions or read self help books therefore I wish to receive an answer that would help me, but not suggest other services instead.
Expert:  KansasTherapist replied 5 years ago.
I have a little different point of view and hopefully I can help you.

I'm thinking that since you have become financially dependent, you have also become more emotionally dependent. If you are depending on him to give you his full attention when he gets home, or you're bored and waiting impatiently for him to arrive, it's probably hard for him to take.

My suggestion is that you build more activities into your week, like spending time with friends or doing volunteer work in your field. If you haven't made friends in your new environment, you may need to go out of your way to do that. If you have spare time you can spend on doing other things you enjoy. Going to museums, movies, working out, are some ideas. If those don't appeal to perhaps you can think of your own.

Hopefully this helps. If I'm going in the wrong direction, please let me know.
KansasTherapist, LSCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 566
Experience: 17 years experience with depression, abuse, and borderline.
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