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Howard Wise
Howard Wise, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Counseling with a compassionate ear and a loving heart.
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OK, so this Friday my ex is coming over to play a board game.

Resolved Question:

OK, so this Friday my ex is coming over to 'play a board game'. We broke up at Christmas for the 3rd time. We met 4 weeks ago, and both agreed we hadn't wanted to break up - but, she told me she was over it and was seeing aomeone else (although not seriously.) she was obviously still into me but then after my 3rd cocktail I broke suddenly and told her I still loved her, which put her off a bit, then I topped that one off by drunk calling her after a disatrous date. She said just forget getting back together (although I never mentioned it!) She certainly didn't say she didn't love me.
But then she's texting constantly and telling me that she's 'playing by ear' about her new boyfriend as he 'might have to go away for work'.

I think basically there is an opening for sorting this out that I badly want to do. Sex was a problem for us cos she is so small and I am so big so this is one of the reasons she is seeing a Chinese guy (she's Chinese). So I see this as the biggest barrier to an attraction forming again.

QUESTION: I know how to act but she is very obsessed with kinky things what shall I say if she asks about who I am seeing or wants to talk about sex? I have been dating but not slept with anyone and not currently seeing anyone.
She will mention this boyfriend and I really want her to get rid of him and take me back and I am worried about how to handle it. I don't want to scare her away again. What to do about him and the subject? I just want to build a new level of attraction between us.

I don't intend to fail in getting her back so please, assist me sir or madam!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
Good morning, this is Howard,

I'll be glad to assist you.

I'm not sure I know what you mean when you ask what you should say if she wants to talk about sex. Please explain.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ah hello Howard I missed you the first time, this person, my ex, is very kinky and loves talking about sex, normally I will talk about it with her for hours, but this time, we are not a couple and I am not seeing anyone and she is. She told me this is not serious and she will get rid of him. However I almost feel I can't ask about anything else, I mean relationships are a common thing to discuss. I desperately want her to get rid of him but don't want to seem jealous or weirder than I already am. Also I actually ended my new relationship because I couldn't stop thinking about her and didn't want to lead the other girl on, after all it's different for men than women. She has probably had sex with her new boyfriend which doesn't bother me but I very much want her to stop doing it.

If you want the full detail I must tell you that although we love doing kinky things obviously this tailed off in the last couple months or our relationship and as she is small and Chinese and I am big and English normal sex can often be painful for her but her new boyfriend is Chinese and therefore much more accomodating.

These are the issues that I am facing and as I said I don't wish to fail in gettin g her back I can see she is reaching out to me but there are many barriers to break.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information.

Tell me if this is correct: You are getting together with your ex on Friday and you are worried because you normally talk to her about sex, and this time you don't want to because that will make you feel uncomfortable.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well I want us to get back together so what should I do? I am not uncomfortable in fact i'd love to know where she stood with this so called boyfriend but don't want to spoil my chances of getting back together as I want it to be long term this time.
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
I see.

I would have to disagree with your conclusion that there is an opening for sorting things out at this time because your ex clearly told you to forget about getting back together.

I suggest that you continue to maintain your friendship with her, as you are doing. In this way you will stay informed of her situation and if, in the future, she changes her mind and is again interested in you as a lover, you will be able to act accordingly.

I hope this has helped!
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