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Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 86
Experience:  Clinical Social Work
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Me and my boyfriend are doing nothing but fighting at this

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Me and my boyfriend are doing nothing but fighting at this point. I have been trying my best to bear with him, but he refuses to spend time with our son. He only works part time and I am currently looking for a job that doesn't put me at risk with my health condition. He puts work first, even though he's home most of the time, and anything I ask him to do is too much. I am not the nagging type, but he won't even play with our 3-year-old. He just tells him to be quiet and go away. When I bring it up, he makes me feel bad for not having a job, or being sick. I don't choose this.... I'm so hurt, all I want to do is leave. I've tried several times to get him to understand how important it is to at least treat us like his family. We support him very much. I clean, cook, get him drinks, so whatever he asks, but the favor is not returned, not even when I was working full time. I'm about to give up and move out with my son. The depression he's given me in the past 2 years is too much to bear, and with pre-colon cancer, I can't let things get me down this way. Any suggestions? Please.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
My name is XXXXX XXXXX I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Has he always been this way, or is this something new? You say that you have been depressed for 2 years, is this due to an organic depression (no known cause, chemical imbalance) or is it situational (due to what has been happening in the household and the cancer)?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well I believe I've been depressed since I was about 8 years old. My father died right in front of me from cancer and it had a huge impact on my life. I'm pretty good at maintaining it when I need to though. When I began dating James, it was under difficult circumstances and we had to make it work really, but we were willing too. The real problems began when we moved from MI to NM. Finding a job was tough and we both had to drop out of school. I did whatever I could to get us assistence and further us, I even got him and me a job. But ever since he lost his job and was unemployed for about 6 months while I worked, his entire personality took a dive. I tried hard to be supportive, but he wasn't really trying either. When he finally did a job, I thought it was going to get better, but he became angry all the time and constantly made an effort to make me feel like I could be doing more. Then a month ago I was diagnosed with pre-colon cancer and had to quit my housekeeping job. It was hard, but I looked for a new job right away and I have been able to get on unemployment for my last job closing. This is still not good enough, even though I take 24/7 care of our son. He comes home, only working 24 hours a week, acts extremely tired and tells us to leave him alone and that he doesn't want to go anywhere, do anything, clean anything....nothing. This is pretty normal as he is an introverted person, but he usually at least helps out. And now every day we fight harder and harder. As I try to be kind and keep him calm, he throws these cheap shots like "Oh you're sick again? Let's go get your doctor fix so you'll shut up" or "get off your ass and get a job, I don't care if you're sick". It hurts and I just walk away when he says them....he never apologizes, just says that's how he feels and then tells me to leave him alone for the rest of the night. I feel like a horrible person, and I have no idea why anymore. I thought I was doing a good job.
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
Well, there seems to be many issues within the relationship right now, which have caused extreme stress on both of you. The only thing that I could recommend is that you have a talk with him and ask him what has been making him so angry lately.

There is a reason for the anger, and him belittling you is very passive aggressive behavior on his part.

How is your depression being handled. Have you met with a psychiatrist for medication, or sought counseling services.

I believe his behavior is due to a culmination of issues that are occurring. Also, the more angry he gets, the more depressed you may get. It seems as though you are feeding off one another's emotional state of being. You need to sit and talk with him. Maybe go out for coffee, without the children. Have the talk in public, which may reduce the likelihood of him getting nasty and rude with you. Discuss whats happening in you relationship.
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Yesterday was very strange. He got up early and took our son to daycare. Then he asked if I wanted to go for a walk. We talked a bit and felt a little better. Maybe he's really willing to change for us now. I'm willing to completely get off him for things that aren't that important if he's willing to continue to put Skye first. It's all I want. I never wanted to be the naggy wife who he just wants to get away from. I know I'm better than that :)
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
Agreed. Just give the situation some time, and remember to keep a conversation going between the two of you. Share whats going on with one another. The key to a successful relationship is definitely communication.
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Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
Hello! I just wanted to follow up with you and check in.

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