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Santo B
Santo B, Social Worker
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 86
Experience:  Clinical Social Work
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I am in a new relationship of only a month. My boyfriend is

Customer Question

I am in a new relationship of only a month. My boyfriend is very good looking and the whole package. We are into each other and have a great relationship. What I am concerned is not my boyfriend but the attention women give him. For example, we are both active at our church, we volunteer in the youth group as mentors for teens ( thats where we met) and recently there was a new women that has joined our group of volunteers. She is new and excited to start but is divorced and around my age. I am 28. What I have noticed is the attention she gives my boyfriend, because she met him first she is always eager to work with him in the youth group. At first it didnt make me uncomfortable but now it really is because I see that she will be staying and my bf and I will be around her a lot because we are in the group. She is attractive and skinny and kind of looks like Angelina Jolie. My bf told me I am the only woman for him and that he is not interested in her and for me to trust him. He told me he is a friendly guy to everyone but as soon as a women crosses the line he will put a stop to it. I advised him to be friendly but keep his distance and that she will try to do anything to get his attention. I hate feeling like this and I dont want to leave the group because she is there, what can I do to feel less jealous and get it together when Im there.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
My name is XXXXX XXXXX I hold a Clinical Master's Degree in Social Work with a focus on Adult Mental Health. I currently provide general Life Coaching.

Hello! I think what you are doing right now, i.e. communicating and reading books, is a good way to alleviate your insecurities. I think that the most you can do at this time is to trust him. You both sound like good people, and if you've spoken to one another about past relationships, you would have a better idea of his track record.

Have you spoken to one another about past relationships?

Have you discussed with him your expectations of him and the relationship?

These are very important topics to discuss when entering a new relationship. It allows you to get a sense of who he is as a person, and how he is in a relationship.

Also, it maybe helpful for you to tell him that you are feeling insecure and a bit jealous. Be very honest with him. He will appreciate the honesty and you being upfront about the situation.

Lastly, have you had experiences in the past with men who have broken your trust. We tend to bring our baggage into new relationships. This is a clean slate, a fresh start, so treat it as such.

Sometimes it's best to trust someone until they decide to do something that would break that trust. Don't let this preoccupation with jealousy and insecurity come between you.

Hope this helps. Feel free to ask any follow up questions you may have.
Santo B and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Santo:

Thanks for the feedback. What kinds of things can I do so that this women doesnt distract me from me being in the group and that she doesnt make me feel uncomfortable with her working with my bf? For ex, I feel like my bf is doing his part but I dont know how to handle it, yes I have had a guy of 5 yrs cheat on me with a woman on xbox online. I am more secure and more confident now but this situation still bothers me, I get a bit of anxiety from it. For ex, they are going to do a presentation together with another person and they have exchanged numbers hes always telling her about me and things like, Yes, where I go my gf goes, lol, and shes like, yeah I know, gigles, they have to meet and he offered me to go with them to starbucks so that they can talk about the project. I dont know if thats a good idea, should I go or not, either way it makes me uncomfortable but we are already comited to working with the youth group, let me know any tecniques etc
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
It may be a good exercise for you to have him and her meet without you being present.

Have you thought of befriending her? Obviously, you are all there for one common purpose, to help youth. You may find that you too have more in common then the youth group. If you do decide to befriend her, keep the friendship separate from his working relationship with her. I think that may help a great deal. Also, she is probably looking for supportive and kind people that she can trust. She has just gone through a divorce, which happens to be unite devastating for many people.

Lastly, a good exercise for you would be to simply remind yourself that you cannot control the behaviors and actions of others. All you can do is commit to giving this relationship your all, if you choose and see what happens.

People who cheat cheat because of their own inappropriate behavior and actions. We tend to blame ourselves when we are cheated on, but it's really the person who cheats with the problem.

Again, I do hope this helps. Don't hesitate to contact me with any follow up questions.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thanks so much for that response. Yeah she said she is commitment phobe and has been divorced for 6 months now. I just got uncomfortable with how much attention she likes my bf to give her and I feel as if she is using the opportunity of teaching the group with my bf. There are a ton of other friends in the group that she hasnt eagerly jumped at the opportunity to work with them. I just had intuition about. I know that I cant control my bf or her but it was uncomfortable. I know men like the attention so I was worryed about that and also I dont want the group to notice that I am getting worked up about it. But you are right, I have told my bf and he has reasured me so all I can do is give it my all and trust. My bf is always telling me how I am everything he ever wanted, is really sweet, an always is attentive and I know he really cares, I just worry because I have had a jeolousy problem in the past and past gf of his have cheated on him or left him because he was flirty and their exes were insecure with their relationships with him, but I feel he really cares about me and takes to heart what I say
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
Based on what you told me so far, I believe he does truly care for you. He was probably hurt when his exes cheated on him, so I am doubtful that he would do it to someone else. I think that the jealousy will subside when you feel more comfortable with the situation, and his friendly disposition.

When you are with the group, treat it as if you were at work. We aren't supposed to bring our emotions to work.

She probably latched onto him because he was a non-threatening man. He is in a relationship and wants nothing more than to work with her and be friends with her. She is probably in recovery mode from her divorce, and to find a non-threatening man as a friend is normally very hard.

Just remember, you need to talk to him when you are feeling overwhelmed by insecurity and jealousy. He seems to be very open to talking with you about your feelings.
Expert:  Santo B replied 5 years ago.
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