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Howard Wise
Howard Wise, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Hi, I have been dating a man for over a year now. I am 55 and

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Hi, I have been dating a man for over a year now. I am 55 and he 61. I have been married for 25 years and now divorced. He has never been married. Things are good between us except for this one thing that bothers me and need some advice about how to handle myself and the situation. He still has contact with his ex-girlfriend. They talk maybe once a week and meet for lunch maybe once a month. We have had one arguement about her because everytime there is a "blip on her radar" or drama in her life she calls him. I feel that she hasn't let go. I know she is dating other men because he tells me she is. He says that they are good friends and that things were never serious between them(on his side at least, he broke up with her and even move out of state to his family for a period of time) yet when he came back they started seeing each other again. I want to handle this right and not ruin anything between us. Right now he is having lunch with her(she called him and set it up). Please help
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
Good afternoon,

I'm sorry this is happening. If you haven't already done this I think you should let your boyfriend know that his relationship with this old girlfriend is making you feel uncomfortable. You can confirm that you know that he still cares about her, as a friend, and that you understand that this woman depends upon him for advice at times. You can ask him politely if he would be willing to stop meeting with her for now. Tell him that this is important to you, and that this would demonstrate to you just how much he cares about you.

How does that sound?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi, we have had this discussion and he feels that she is just a good friend and will be there for a long time but he says they are not compatible that is why he ended the relationship. He has talked to her while I have been with him and I know that their conversations are about pretty generic stuff(just talking about how each of them have been and general news). She does know he is dating someone and has known for a long time. I guess I just don't get the "friends after dating" thing. I don't talk to my exs and have no desire to see them or cause any conflict with my current relationship that this kind of drama can cause. He says he feels like he is her big brother and helps her. I mentioned to him that she may be wanting "attention" from him and may take it the wrong way. I want to be the bigger person here and handle this....correctly, without drama and learn and grow from this......any suggestions??
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
Well, how would you feel about meeting the ex-girlfriend and getting to know her a little bit? Perhaps that would make you feel better and you wouldn't feel as threatened by this old relationship.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Ha....I have asked to meet her. His response was that it make her uncomfortable and he didn't want to do that.(he has also said right after that that he never wanted to meet any of my exes, that he would feel uncomfortable). He was also told by a longtime female friend also to NOT introduce us. That it would hurt her and I think he feels guilty about hurting her in the past. I have to hand it to him...he does have a big heart. I don't think he wants to rub salt in the to speak. He said they got along just fine when they were together, but didn't have the same interests or things in common. We are very compatible and have a lot of fun together. He has been a bachelor all his life and has had dozens of women and just told me he now is looking to settle down and find a life partner. SO how do I tame my little green monster and be cool about it??
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
Little green monster? I take it to mean you are jealous of the old girlfriend.

I think, with time, you will get used to your boyfriend having this old girl friend in the background. It doesn't seem like there's anything you can do about it. If, in a few months, you are still feeling uncomfortable you should bring this subject up again. Perhaps, by then, your boyfriend will feel a deeper connection with you and he will be ready to let go of the old flame.

Hang in there and see how the situation progresses.
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