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Howard Wise
Howard Wise, Counselor
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Still debating on calling ex

Resolved Question:

So I am still debating calling my ex and asking him if he would like to work things out! I text him the other night about an iPhone app I found and thought he would like :) The text didn't elicite any response but my ex sent me a text that was very friendly ":) I hope you have a good night" as it was almost 9. Does this mean anything? Or is my ex just simply being nice to me? He did say he missed me and wishes he could take back what he did! Is this his way of testing the waters...seeing if I am mad at him and still interested? This question is tied to a previous question...asked 4/2/12.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
Hi, this is Howard,

Can you send the previous question so that I will have all of the information?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Here is the info from my last question:
My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago. I was doing great and healing well from the breakup. My ex left me for a ex girlfriend who broke up with him recently, as predicted the relationship did not last. I have forgiven my ex, not that he knows, and realize he is only human and wasn't thinking when he made this irrational decision. I recently text my ex just see how he was doing and I got positive responses. Later that night I got a text from him that said he was thinking about me right when I text him and "hope you are doing well and I miss u" Then he said he was sorry for all that had happened and wishes he could take it back sometimes but "what happened happened" He ended the text with I hope the best for you. Now, I realize how much I actually miss him. I would love to get him back in my arms. I want to text him again but I am hesitant, because I just text him last week. I don't want to seem needy...I do not need my ex but I do want him back! I love him very much. Should I take the leap and send another text letting him know I am thinking of him?
A little more information: My ex and I were together for 4 years and 5 months away from our wedding when the breakup occurred. We planned to buy a house and even picked out baby names. My counselor and a lot of people believe it was cold feet. He is 31 and I am 27...neither one of us have been married before.

You have received an Answer!
From Dr. Paige
Monday, April 02, 2012 11:43 AM PST
Hello. it may very well have been cold feet. Regardless, you need to not be looking at the past so much as the future and what you want to do. While it wouldn't be right for you to carry on a relationship of any kind with him while he is with someone else, if you feel that you need to express your feelings to him to get it off your chest, then by all means do that. I was not understanding fully if his ex broke up with him and he is not with her now, or he is. So I'm not sure if he is with her currently or not. If he is not with her and you want to make another go at your relationship, then I think you need to take the steps to do so. The problem you are going to run into when taking a second chance at a relationship is going to be all of the issues that you had and addressing them. While it may have been cold feet which caused the initial breakup or not, you are going to have to work through this in order to move forward. These things could be a bit further down the road, but just mentioning to you that it WILL have to be addressed at some point if you want to be able to have a second try.
I would recommend letting him know how you feel about him and wanting to take another chance at a relationship. Depending on if he is with someone or not is where I would draw the line at that or how in depth you go with it. If he is in a relationship then you need to respect that and not go any further.

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You replied
Monday, April 02, 2012 11:51 AM PST
Well as far as I know, this girl broke up with him. One of his friends mentioned that he is heart broken. I do not know why they broke up. But when they dated in the past their relationship what based around partying and major fights. They had terrible fights throughout thier entire relationship. And as far as I know, they just partied when they got back together this time. So I have no idea why they broke up. I know they broke up but I am not certain if they reconciled. How could i find that out? I can't just come out and ask. I agree with you, I want to respect him and not get involved if he is in a relationship.


You have received an Answer!
From Dr. Paige
Monday, April 02, 2012 12:11 PM PST
You are going to have to come out and just ask him though. Its the only way you are going to be satisfied with the situation as a whole. You should text him and say...I would like to talk with you, but wanted to first clarify your current relationship status because if you are with someone, I don't want to be talking to you and causing an issue with that situation...something worded similar to that isn't going to hurt anything and you are being honest. See what he says and go from there. If he isn't with anyone, then you can maybe set up a lunch or coffee get together with him if that is where you want to go with this. Talk with him and see where he is emotionally. If you want him back and you love him, you have to take some chances. You can't go on not ever knowing what could have been. if things don't end up working out with him for a second try, at least you know that you tried and gave it your all.

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You replied
Monday, April 02, 2012 12:22 PM PST
You're right! If I don't try I will forever wonder what would have been. They have only been broken up for few weeks. Is that too soon? This girl has a history of stringing him along. I was going to simply send a text remembering a good time from our relationship and read his response. If he comes across as friendly and seems interested then maybe ask him something along the lines you mentioned. My hesitation about this is the fact that a lot of people believe he was planning this. He actually mentioned that if things didn't work out with his ex he would come find me. That made a lot of friends and family very upset. But I now want that. I do want him back and would love to see if we could work things out. Should I be concerned with what other people think about he taking him back? After all it is my life.

You have accepted an Answer!
From Dr. Paige
Monday, April 02, 2012 12:35 PM PST
You should not be concerned about what other people think, unless they are giving you an objective point of view that you find valuable. This should be between you and him. He may have felt like he needed to find out once and for all about this girl too and he may have resolved some of those feelings with her, so it may be better for you to move forward with him having more of a clear conscious as well. These are all things you are both going to have to work through and feel good about before moving on again. If you are both clear and honest with each other about everything, you have a great shot at a second go. There are a lot of pros and cons about going back to a relationship that didn't work. Make sure you navigate through it all with transparency.
I don't think its too soon for you to contact him. You have been with him for a long time and know him well and he did seem receptive to you already. Go for it !

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Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information. I think Dr. Paige gave you some great advice.

My impression is that your ex is being nice to you and that he is testing the waters to see how you react. It does sound like he is sorry for what has happened.

I think it would be perfectly okay for you to write to him and ask how things are going. You might mention that you would enjoy getting together with him for coffee just to catch up. You can then take it from there.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My only hesitation is that he may still be hanging on to this girl! He has been hung up on her for a long time. She broke up with him but I don't know why. When he broke up with me he acted on pure impulse and lust. He was certain she loved him and she mentioned she was 'stoked' to spen the rest of her life with him. I let him go because like everyone else I had a feeling this was going to blow up in his face...and I guess it did. I feel he may be afraid to make the first move because I am certain his friends and family are telling him he can't just expect me to be his backup plan. When we broke up he said 'he needed to try and make it work but if it didn't he would come find me'. Those words made a lot of people angry! I know that this had to happen...we needed some time apart! We had problems but I didn't see them until now! I know we can work those out! :)
My only concern is that he is still waiting for this girl! That she gave him some altimatum, because He hasn't tried to text me anything. I don't want to keep chasing something that is possibly going no where but I also don't want to pressure him into making a decision. As far as I know that have been broken up for a few weeks. Should I just keep texting casual texts? Something that lets him know I'm thinking of him (good times in our relationship) to let him know I am interested and forgive him? Or should I just come out and say...what to work things out...I forgive you? To me this first seems more rational. Because if he is back with his girlfriend I probably won't receive anything. What do you think?
Expert:  Howard Wise replied 5 years ago.
I think you need to get together, let's say over coffee, and then you can try to get all of your questions answered. He is the only one who can answer them. This is a time for exploration, not for making huge decisions that can affect the rest of your life. Just take it one step at a time. I know that uncertainty can be difficult to deal with, so do your best to get the information you need.

I hope this has helped!
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