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Ryan LCSW, Relationships
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 872
Experience:  Professional therapist
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I have been emailing a man from a dating site for a few months.

Customer Question

I have been emailing a man from a dating site for a few months. At first we were texting. I changed my number as I was getting some nasty texts from a man. I gave the new number to the man I was emailing and he didn't text me. I've not had any calls which I find childish for a man of 28 years of age. I do alot of the work with emails and he doesn't start much conversation first. We have talked about meeting but it's not happened yet. We have some chat over email. The problem is that he tells me different stories on things like his friends and then changes it saying that he has never said it, things like that. He has started to get controlling saying that if I don't trust him it won't work although I don't see how I'm supposed to trust a man that I haven't met yet and hasn't even rang for a proper conversation. He threatened me yesterday and I felt quite scared and controlled to talk to him about anything openly. I'm not sure that this is a healthy friendship/relationship for me even at this early stage. What do you think? Louise, 28.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 5 years ago.
Hi Louise,

It seems like your instincts are telling you that there is something wrong for a reason. It is strange that he would have these stories about his friends that seem to change for no reason, and I can't say I blame you for questioning him about it. The fact that it blew up into a trust issue may mean there are some other types of problems that this man has with trust. If he is already getting controlling and threatening even before seeing each other in person, it does not seem like this is going to lead to a healthy relationship in the long run. He may be a nice guy in some ways, but if this is the way he is now, it would most likely continue to get worse if you were to eventually get involved in a relationship with him.

In this case it seems like it would be best to listen to your gut rather than trying to force something to work out with a man who has already frightened you. Good luck with everything and I hope I've been able to help you out.

All the best,

Ryan LCSW and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I agree with you. I would feel quite scared if he got like this with me again say when we met. The closer I get he might start bullying me or intimidation even worse. Thankyou for your help.
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 5 years ago.
No problem, I'm glad I could help :) It sounds like your instincts are right on target. Take care!

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I've noticed that he's getting angry now into reply to anything that I ask. Thankyou.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 5 years ago.
It just seems like it's way too early in the relationship for him to already be getting upset with you, especially when you're still getting to know each other. If you had been involved with him for a while and then these problems started, that may make it a little different. But to have these issues before even meeting each other, that's a bad sign. I'm sure you'll find someone who you have a more natural and healthy connection with if you can hang in there. Good luck :)

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thankyou. I'm starting to think I must be going wrong somewhere. I felt as though I needed to ask more about these women that are married that he's friends with just to make sure that there wasn't anything funny going on and he kept changing the story. Then he kept saying that it wouldn't work if I didn't trust him yet all we have done is emailed and text so I don't know how I'm supposed to know him that well. He seems always on the defensive and angry even though I'm not intending it to have a go at him or get out of being with him.
Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 5 years ago.
I see what you're saying, and it's possible that your questions are what caused him to react like that. At the same time, if he kept changing the story, I'm not sure what he can expect you to act like since that does seem pretty strange. It's possible that all of this started out as a miscommunication, but if he's still getting defensive and angry while you aren't doing anything. It sounds like he may feel that you couldn't trust him from the start, when you were actually just trying to make sure that you could trust him. It would be a shame if this was all the result of some miscommunications, but it doesn't seem like you did anything to deserve being threatened or treated in an angry manner.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

That's true. I think that he may be reading far too much over what I ask him because even if he was hiding anything, I'm really not the type of person to judge someone. I was trying to find out more about him and his friends just to make sure that I wasn't going to get left for anybody that he may be close to that he's already got to know closely.

Expert:  Ryan LCSW replied 5 years ago.
I can understand that, and I think the circumstances made it seem like he was hiding something even if he wasn't. But that would be enough to make you a little more curious or want to find out more information. I think some people may find that a little imposing, while others may be willing to share information about their friends because it's not a big deal. I wouldn't take this to mean that you're judgmental, but if something that would normally seem simple turns into a complicated situation, that's definitely reason to have your guard up.

We can definitely continue to talk about this and i'm more than happy to help you sort this out although I'd have to ask you to accept one of these follow-up answers to your original question and open up a new question at this point. Good luck with everything and I hope that I've been able to help.


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