in relation to the situation answered above, the wonder if I can ask further for further guidance, because I am still really struggling with these feelings at the moment.
How can I get on with my life in the meantime, whilst I'm doing the best I can to recover from this experience and change my thinking about it? It is interfering with my ability to be happy, thinking about him out there with somebody else.
I feel as though an injustice has been done to me and I think I am waiting for him to approach me again and make things better? In other words, the harsh reality of - 'face it it's over' just isn't seeping in for me. I know the theory, I know after 3 years I should be ok, but because of the exremely strong tie I have to this person it just isn't happening. I feel like I'm waiting for, expecting some kind of justice. But what if it doesn't happen? What if they have kids and lead a happy life together and I have to live with this pain forever, gradually getting more and more lines on my face and going on substandard dates with guys who are nice but I know aren't him, aren't the one. I know this sounds a bit melodramatic! But honestly this is part of what worries me...
I am waking up at night with starts, and going to work with a pointless ' what's the use' feeling. I keep trying out ideas, hobbies, something to take my mind off it but nothing seems to quitegive me the same feeling as the friendship. All the feelings are so bottled up, feel immense pressure building up inside. Would talk to a friend but am worried that what I have said will get fed back to him and I don't want him to know how much I am suffering.
I also find it difficult because sometimes he contacts me and it stirs up my feelings, or he will message me to say hi and then disappears as though his current girlfriend walks into the room. I feel confused by these things and maybe they indicate to me that he isn't so certain about the choice he has made after all. Nevertheless, he has made it and I can't be sure how he feels which leaves me feeling unhappy.
I am not initiaing ANY contact with him because I know that it is wrong, I am also avoiding the birthdays and events with mutual friends because I know he will be there and it isn't good for me to see him. I feel like I am doing everything I am supposed to do. Doing the right things. Doing my 'bit' if you like. Seeing him will give me false hope that isn't there and for about a week after I'll be half waiting for him to call me and it won't happen.
If I was a more selfish woman who got what I wanted (ike her!) I would just contact him anyway, try and railroad over his current living situation like his current girlfriend snached him from mine. But I don't want to do that becase I'm a good person and if he comes back to me, I want it to be because he's decided to, not because another pushy female has made a decision for him and he's just gone along with the easiest option. Maybe she isn't pushy, maybe he truly wants to be with her 100% but the mixed vibes I've got from him and comments of a mutual friend have led be to believe that in some way he is still not letting go of me, in the same way that I can't let go of him. But without finding out what he actually feels and thinks right now I can't be sure.
But there just doesn't seem to be any justice to what happened to me. What will it take to feel clean and new and renwed again and not carrying around pain of past? It's been seven yearssince we first met. I was 18 and like I said before, not in a very happy place when he first became such an important person in my life. Now I'm 25 and I feel very regretful about everything and as though I will never know pure happiness again because I've got so much regret about so many things from the last 6 years. So many bad choices. I wish I would've just held onto him and worked at our relationship.