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Hey Coach, Im bruised and battered (emotionally) but, Im

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Hey Coach, I'm bruised and...
Hey Coach, I'm bruised and battered (emotionally) but, I'm still alive....barely!! I'm sad to say that my peace has been fractured and I am at a major cross road. I have a counseling session with my wife tomorrow...I realize that I can reveal my proof that my she is possibly having an emotional affair and more than likely send her packing or I can ......???????? She wants me to take all the blame for this mess and see no fault of her own. If I stay with that I could suffer this abuse again!!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 4 minutes by:
4/3/2012
Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 5 years ago
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,565
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

CoachJenK :

I was thinking about you earlier today. Can you give me a few minutes and then I will be back in the chat?

Customer:

Yes

CoachJenK :

ok. I will be back with you.

Customer:

ok

CoachJenK :

In the meantime...please breathe.

Customer:

will do

CoachJenK :

ok my friend. I am here and you have my undivided attention.

Customer:

Hi

CoachJenK :

After all this time are you comfy to give me your first name so I can address you with respect?

CoachJenK :

if not that is okay too

Customer:

Thomas

CoachJenK :

Hi Thomas. Nice to meet you. :-)

Customer:

Nice to meet you Jennifer

Customer:

:)

CoachJenK :

ok so fill me in.

CoachJenK :

I am sad your peaceful state has been shattered

Customer:

My wife is determined to get me to take responsibility for the mess that is taking place in our marriage and I refuse to do that. I'm afraid that she would rather walk away from what we had and could have before she accepts responsibility. I certainly don't want to live with that, but I can't help loving her the way that I do....she has hurt me pretty bad in all of this , but I am afraid that leaving her will make me feel worse.

Customer:

....basket case worse

CoachJenK :

ahhh I can see how your confidence has been shaken...I am so sorry to hear this change.

CoachJenK :

ok let me say a few things here.

CoachJenK :

This is not something new for you to hear...she has always maintained that you are the perp and she the victim

Customer:

true

CoachJenK :

and you didnt ever really feel this would change

Customer:

true

Customer:

but, until recently she insisted that she wanted this marriage to work....now she talking ....let's wait and see what happens over time

CoachJenK :

but I dont know why I dont see much of a change in her and what she is saying...just because she says she wants to work on things doesnt mean much because her ACTIONS have not said that at all.

Customer:

true, again

CoachJenK :

so what has shaken you...the fact that the session is approaching?

Customer:

Well, I felt that when I saw her again after 5 weeks apart.....I was gonna be cool and be able to stay cool until our session. However, I was weak in the knees when I saw her and despite the moments where we argue ....we still display signs of great potential. Although, truthfully she is hiding a secret and I am hiding how much I know about that secret so ......I guess, I might have to ask myself....What's your problem???

CoachJenK :

well it will all come out in the session. But i understand your weak knees.

CoachJenK :

Thomas, you are a loving man and you want and deserve that mutuality.

CoachJenK :

so while not losing the strength and peace oyu have worked so hard to attain, do what you can to make it work and if in the end it doesn't you will know that you did everything and you left no stone unturned and you had great self growth in the process

CoachJenK :

I am here to remind you of that wonderfulness...nice word! Somehow you lose it in relation to your wife and the work is to keep it no matter what

Customer:

Yes, I know you're right....I was just in a somewhat comfortable place with this 12 year marriage.....not wanting to start all over. The question burning my brain is do I bring up what I know about her interaction with this guy on the phone, revealing that I have invaded her privacy and possibly calling it quits just on that merit alone or do I shred it and just rely on her words alone as I hope for the best???

Customer:

...her calling it quits

CoachJenK :

that is a great question and it really boils down to whether you could live with either outcome. will it burn you up to not say anything? Will it make your mistrust seek and search all over again looking for signs? Can you tolerate giving over to her and taking the responsibility so you can save your marriage.

CoachJenK :

Only you can answer those questions and do what feels right for your system and your health moving forward.

CoachJenK :

I am here to support you whatever way works for YOU

Customer:

well first off....I've never done this type of searching before and have no desire to make it a habit. I am concern if I take all the blame for this 1-10 years later something else could come up and it will still be my fault and this will be the neverending story of my life.

CoachJenK :

All of that is a possibility. Please don't feel you need to defend the searching to me....I know the man you are and i respect you and what you say.

Customer:

no...I understand....I've just been defending my decision to search all morning!!

Customer:

...as I talked to 2 friends

CoachJenK :

I can hear it...cut yourself some slack!

CoachJenK :

what is going to make you feel the best?

Customer:

I need her to take responsibility for this atmosphere she created in our marriage. Her phone records prove that she has been obsessed and in many ways betrayed my trust. Her heart is clearly somewhere other than where it should be, which is in this marriage. I am feeling like I would rather suffer for a few weeks over the end of my marriage than to possibly sit around, suffering for years waiting for her to drop this marriage for some other obsession

CoachJenK :

You did it Thomas! you have clarity!

CoachJenK :

BREATHE!

CoachJenK :

scary I know but you are very clear in what your boundaries are.

Customer:

LOLOLOL.....at that moment I wasn't breathing....thanks for the reminder!!!

CoachJenK :

your first question to me when we first began our work was are my boundaries acceptable! As I said then and saying now...they are!

CoachJenK :

LOL about the breathing. Told you I had a good sense of you!

Customer:

You do!!!

CoachJenK :

you should cut and paste your last paragraph and red it to yourself over and over until your session.

Customer:

She tried to convince me very strongly that because of my past indiscretion that I was not entitled to question her whereabouts or anything else a husband might be able to do if he is uncomfortable in his marriage

Customer:

I do know that is not true

CoachJenK :

and it sounds like she still holds that view. It will be up to you to bring that out in the session so it can be looked at.

Customer:

I will

Customer:

She clearly wants to be married and live single, which isn't what I want

CoachJenK :

again...great clarity! So the love and weka knees may still be there but the needs may not be in line.

CoachJenK :

*weak knees

Customer:

yes I see that

CoachJenK :

you sound calmer to me now and I am happy if that is true

Customer:

my heart rate has gone down since we started this chat

CoachJenK :

excellent! so here is your plan for the rest of the day and tonight...

CoachJenK :

1-BREATHE

CoachJenK :

2-Listen to your CD's

CoachJenK :

3-BREATHE

CoachJenK :

4-Enjoy a nice dinner

CoachJenK :

5-BREATHE

Customer:

:)

CoachJenK :

it will all get figured out one way or another.

CoachJenK :

I am here as you know.

Customer:

yes, I know

Customer:

Thank you!!!

CoachJenK :

my pleasure as always.

CoachJenK :

i will be thinking and rooting for you. Let me know how it goes.

CoachJenK :

BREATHE!

Customer:

will do...bye

CoachJenK :

bye for now

Customer:

yes ...for now

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,565
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified
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TherapistJen
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,565
3,565 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker

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