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Hi, I was married at the age of 21 and in 2010 we were divorced.

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Hi, I was married...
Hi,
I was married at the age of 21 and in 2010 we were divorced. He was my first boyfriend and after going through a terrible divorce I decided to focus on me and try to move on with my life. I changed jobs and moved and in the Spring of 2011 I started talking to a new guy who was really sweet. My walls were up but over time I eventually let my guard down. My main concern with my boyfriend is that he tends to drink too much without even realizing it. I am a social drinker and I know my limit. He has promised to change countless times and frankly I have had quite enough. My divorce has made me stronger and I know what I want this time around. I want to break things off but I feel like am making a terrible mistake. He is one person when he is sober.. the kind of guy who opens doors for you and brings you breakfast in bed, while the other guy is rude and immature. I will be 27 soon.. He will be 30 in a few months.. I think I need a little advise.
Thank you.
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 2 minutes by:
4/2/2012
Counselor: TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC replied 5 years ago
TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified

CoachJenK :

Hi welcome.

Customer:

Hello.

CoachJenK :

I hear how tough this is for you and it is just a shame that he wont hear of any type of counseling or AA.

CoachJenK :

I think that is a good boundary for you to have. If you know you cannot live this way with him drinking and being the way he is when he is drunk then you know the boundary is he either gets help or you will have to reomove yourself from the relationship. does that feel like where you are?

Customer:

Yes, Just past saturday we went out to eat and he had a few drinks and I started to notice a change in his personality.

CoachJenK :

and then you tense up and wait for it to get worse.

Customer:

He had promised over a month ago that he would stop and I told him that if i didnt see a change in him he would lose me.

CoachJenK :

and as you know with problem drinking it is hard to stop on your own. What was his response when you told him he would lose you?

Customer:

He told me that drinking wasnt worth losing me but he said that he was not an alcholic. he had quit a year before I had even met him. i said that i would go with him to an AA meeting but he didnt want to attend.

CoachJenK :

ok but his words and his actions dont line up.

CoachJenK :

you can also go to an al anon meeting to see how things feel for you there before you walk away...assuming you want to put that time in.

Customer:

yes... and that's is where I am today. He was defensive and said that he wasnt drinking too much the other night and i told him that i just needed space.

CoachJenK :

so here is what i am thinking...take that space, go to some al anon meetings so you can see how you want to proceed and see if he can begin to see his issue and want to get help. It is awful that you are going through this because i can hear how you care for him and have let your guard down.

Customer:

I work full time and I am returning to school soon and I feel that I may need to just cut off ties with him. Its been difficult letting my guard down after my divorce.

Customer:

He will not attend the AA meetings.

CoachJenK :

I am sure it has but that is a good thing even though it doesnt feel that way now. It shows you can love! If you feel cutting ties are what is best for YOU then I support that. the al anon meetings are for you...not him...they are for people who have loved ones that are drinkers.

CoachJenK :

you can always come here and get support from me too. all you have to do is request me.

Customer:

That is great advise. I appreciate your time. I am doing my best to deal with the situation. This is my second serious relationship and i have grown alot. He has been patient with me when i had my walls up. He even bought me an engagement ring.. but i declined.. I wanted to see some change first. I dont want to rush anything and I still believe in marriage.

CoachJenK :

I am proud of you...you are doing great. I hope you will come back to me and let me know how you are. Please click accept if I have been helpful.

CoachJenK :

You are a pleasure. Keep your loving heart.

CoachJenK :

nobody can take that from you.

Customer:

Yes, of course I will. Thank you so much for your time.

TherapistJen
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
Experience: Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Verified
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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3,569
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