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Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
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my boyfriend left me. he said hes sorry that the relationship

Customer Question

my boyfriend left me. he said he's sorry that the relationship didn't work out. i cried my eyes out. it's been quite a traumatic experience for me. i've been losing sleep, and can't function, and my brain is like mush. my stomach is so upset, that i have lost so much weight. i've been sleeping more than usual and when i wake up, i don't even want to wake up. i am living one day at a time to try to forget about him, but everything i see reminds me of him. i have been having anxiety and panic attacks. i haven't been able to breathe, feels suffocating. my boyfriend also felt hurt that the relationship isn't working, and he has turn to cuban cigars to help him cope with the break up. i was upset that he started smoking cigars to help him breathe and cope. we are both having difficulties coping with the break up. i keep calling him and texting him. but he seems to distant himself farther from me. its over! i have to move on. but still thinking and thinking and thinking about him non -stop. so today i will occupy myself with doing my own things. it's tough......i kept telling him. because i because sexually active when i was dating him. so now i have been using a vibrator to help me cope.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
Going through a break up is a major change in life the person you grown to love and was a huge part of your life has now ended things. It is a whole new adjustment to discover the person you are now and the person you will become. You will begin to get stronger everyday and begin to heal. But what i want you do to is to look at why the relationship has ended because in order to move forward you need closure and answers to why it has ended. I also want you to really think about if there is anyway that you both could get back together because i am here to help you and i feel that we could save this relationship if both of you were willing to be open and honest about the issue you have been having that created this distance. Some times people back off when their feelings get overwhelmed and instead of just opening their heart and falling in love they would rather back off then ever have a broken heart. There are many ways to rebuild a relationship after a break up and i am here to help you through this, but i really want you both to think about if this relationship can get back together and get back on track.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
No, he told me it's over. It's time to move it. He texted me saying "He's sorry that it didn't work out." He told me to move forward. The reason is because we had sex and I was completely opposed to pre-marital sex. And after we had sex, I freaked out, and panicked and asked him to go with me to the doctor because I was bleeding. I was freaking out and he also panicked. When we went to the family doctor, the doctor told me that I was on my period. Well, after that, I kissed my boyfriend and he left me for good. He said "All he wanted was a kiss." I have tried to get him to come back to me, but he keeps going to his mom's house and he is trying to avoid me. Do you think its really over or he just need some space to be alone? He is currently unemployed and looking for work. And he told me that I deserve someone better cuz he isn't able to provide, because he is unemployed.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Has he really left me for good?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
I do not feel this relationship is over there are just some things you need to work out that have caused some problems in the relationship. what has happened is he does not feel good enough to be your boyfriend he feels he can not do anything right for you. His love for you is so deep that all he wants is for you to be happy and have this perfect person. But what he doesn't realize is he is the perfect person for you. Just because he doesn't have a job doesn't mean you both shouldn't be together. That will change and he will find work. You go through tough times together he needs to know that he is the one for you and that this break up is hurting you more. You both need to talk about things that have happens and move forward together. You both love each other and i feel these things can be worked out. He is he pushing away because he wants what is best for you and he feels he is not the best for you. But he needs to know no one compares too him and happiness is with him.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
How do I reassure him that he is the right one for me? Cuz so far, I have just been telling him that I've been crying and angry and venting. And he ran away . What should I tell him? Or should I just wait for him ? Cuz one thing I forgot to tell you is that he cheated on me as well with another woman.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
Cheating is wrong, but i feel this is why he doesn't feel he is good enough for you because he made this mistake. He didnt want to hurt the one he loved but he did and he has to live with the regret of you being hurt, angry and upset. He doesn't feel that your relationship will ever be the same because of what he did, so he is letting you go to heal to move on without him. This is why you need to know 100because percent if this is the person you want to be with and if you do then you need to talk about what happened get the answers you need so you get put it in the past and move forward together. You both love each other, but their have been mistakes made by him and he has to understand that you are hurt. But you still need him there so they you both can over come this together. Let him know that you love him, but he made a mistake, but you can forgive and start over together.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I did tell him that I love him. And he said all he wanted is a kiss. And when he got the kiss, he left me.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I did tell him that I love him. And he said all he wanted is a kiss. When I kissed him, he left me. And there more I fall for him, and get clingy to him, the more he backs off and runs away. He told me that he will ignore me for a while.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
The more you cling too him the more he backs off and I feel this is because he feels he is not good enough for you right now, so he backs away. I want you to explain how you feel too him, in person , through text, or even a letter. A letter is a great way for you to fully express your feelings to think about what you want to say too him. It is important he knows and he has well needs that time to sort things out in his mind, he is struggling to figure out how to fix this problem. I want you to understand that what has happened is in no way something you did. He cheated he is fully wrong and you are still standing by him willing to forgive and move forward, but you also have to heal from what has happened. He feels if he backs off that you will be able to heal and forgive. But this is not true you need him so that you can move forward together. Talk too him one last time then you can take the time you need to heal.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i texted him alot .....and i was mixed feelings. i would be loving and hating and yelling and screaming. i was going psychotic. i told him via text to change his phone number and change his locks so that no woman will break the door and enter his home. which has happened in the past with one of his ex girlfriends. cuz he broke up with her and she broke his front door lock down and went to his room to lie beside him. when he woke up, there was a woman sleeping next to him.
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
You have many emotions that you are trying to work through and you are going to have these ups and downs. He is also trying to sort through his emotions as well. He has backed off figuring you will begin to heal over what has happened and you both can move forward together. But right now there is a strain in the relationship that needs to be discussed. You cant ignore how you feelhe needs to know but in a calm way so he can hear how you feel. If you are getting upset he backs off, so you need to tell him how much you love him, what he did was wrong and you need time to sort things out, but i need you in my life.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
What's my other option? If I don't want to be with him anymore and I just want to live my life without him? I just sit and wait for him to figure himself out?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
If you feel you want to move forward you would tell him. I feel i need to move on and that you need some time to figure yourself out. I want o be here for you, but i dont see things changing right now. We are struggling in this relationship. I still love you and i always will have a place in my heart for you, but this isnt what i want ot do sit around and wait for you to decide if we should be together because in the end it is not just your choice, it is also mine. I know it will be hard for me to move forward because my love for you is so deep, but i feel it is what is best because you should know if you want to be with me because i have always know what i wanted and that was you.

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