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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My live in boyfriend of two years recently told me that if

Customer Question

My live in boyfriend of two years recently told me that if he were to get married again he'd marry me. Suddenly I saw my future right before me...and it was not with him.

We've been living together for about a year now. Actually I should say he has his clothes here and stays here when he his in town. He is an oil field engineer and spends weeks at a time on site when drilling oil wells.

He doesnt contribute money per se towards my mortgage or other bills. But when he is here he pays for groceries, cooks dinner, does the laundry, and is a very fun person to be around.

WHen I try to talk to him about my feelings he gets very defensive. We fight instead of talk through issues and concerns. And the fights always lead to a break up and a make up.

I am tired of this pattern. I want more. And I realize that I never should have allowed him to live with us under these conditions. I initiated the move in because I thought it was a temporary thing. It has become much more than that.

Now I am working on myself and am tired of being a doormat. I love him and believe he loves me. But I am not so sure. And I dont know if I have the resolve to deal with being alone again. I am a divorced, mom of one 14 year old daughter, independent, well off 51 year old. I am attractive but overweight. I am on Weight Watchers trying to get control. He is 44, no kids, divorced after 8 years of marriage. He lived with her after the divorce because she was unemployed and he paid her rent so she could keep the house they jointly owned. He paid her alimony and gave her the house.

Writing this I think that I sound like a foolish, lonely, low self esteem woman who let myself be taken advantage of by this guy. We had so much fun together, the sex was great (except when it isnt - he can have erectile dysfunction sometimes and he can be selfish sometimes in bed).

And yet I am incredibly heartbroken. But when I write this story I leave out so much - good, bad, and ugly.

What do you think?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

You should make your decide based on whether you see a future with this guy. Does the relationship have enough of a foundation to build on. If it does you have to learn as a couple to communicate rather than fight. Issues shouldn't take this big blow up to be resolved. You can find my best resource in the self help aisle - the Mars and Venus series. Learn to talk problems out. He has to be willing to commit to this as well. If he resorts to defensiveness than the relationship is not going to last. It isn't foolish to want to have a healthy relationship. Don't stay in this relationship out of obligation or fear of being alone.You have to have genuine love and affection to make this last. I urge you to talk to him and see what he wants too. Your self esteem is important but this is about compatibility. If you aren't compatible than nothing else matters. Think about your options and what you want out of a relationship If you see a future then work on communication. If not you are wasting your time.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Communication is definitely a big issue with us. I am wondering what you think of our unique living arrangements and the other issues I described.



Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It is okay to feel vulnerable. However this living arrangement puts trust to a huge test. You may want to be in a relationship but you can't settle. If he is less than what you deserve or want then cut your losses. Don't let your weight influence what you want in a relationship. Think about what you want and whether he fits that criteria. Self esteem should not determine whether you stay. If he is physically and geographically distant then maybe this isn't for you. He seems to be a part time boyfriend.


Be back tomorrow

Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thanks Psychlady. He is geographically distant but we are in constant communication. I am a single mom and a career woman so it isnt awful not having a tremendous amount of time with him.


I think I made a mistake by letting him move in. I love him and I know he loves me and my daughter. He treats her well and takes great care of both of us when he is home. The financial arrangements are a bit unfair and grate on me sometimes.


There are definitely compatibility issues. But there is also a great deal of love, affection, humor, and fun.


But we just cant seem to talk without these big blow ups. He definitely has a quick temper. It scares me sometimes. And despite all of these issues I still cant imagine my life without him...well, at least some of the time. Sometimes I think it would be a relief to start over...


How do you know when to stay and work on things or when to cut your "losses?"


Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
I mean that if a relationship is just too hard sometimes you have to decide when it is working and when it isn't. If you have more negatives than positives it is a good time to admit that you aren't compatible. If you want a great resource on communication then use the Mars and Venus series because it talks in depth about gender and communication. He can have a temper but it can't dominate the conversation. Everyone is responsible for their short fuse.