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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I found out at the end of January this year that my husband

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I found out at the end of January this year that my husband has been having an affair with a work colleague since my yougest child was three months old. I had absolutely no idea anything was wrong with our marriage until August/September 2011 when my husband all of a sudden started carrying on that our marriage was crap and that he wasn't getting any affection or attention from me. I thought this had come out of the blue and that he was just stressed about having two children under the age of 3 and the fact his work was getting very hectic. In January 2012 he decided to join a gym, still I wasn't suspicious until I found his gym sign up form with an account number on it I knew nothing about. I was obviously then suspicious if there was an account I knew nothing about what else was he hiding. On further investigation (snooping in his phone) I found this account had been opened in April 2011 and then found numerous emails between him and his work colleague who often go on field trips together for a week or so at a time. The emails were along the lines of him telling her how sexy she was and how she had "exceeded expectations" in her performance review etc. I was devasted, I confronted him about it and he told me that they had been flirting and emails going on but that was the extent of it. He didn't want to tell her that I had found out but I made him. I then received an email from her advising that they had been flirting since approximately January 2011 and confided in each other over what was going on in their lives (apparently my husband told her that he didn't feel he was getting the attention a "married man" deserved). She also advised that nothing physical had happened between them other than an attempted kiss from him (she pushed him away) and an arse slap also instigated by my husband. She said she loved my kids and respected me and would never be "that other woman". I left it for a few weeks and constantly still checked his phone as I wasn't convinced. I found further emails from him telling her how much he missed her and it must be because of how sexy she was looking lately etc. Upon finding these emails I blew up and he advised me that they had been physically intimate with each other starting in June 2011 and it happened whenever they went away together just the two of them up until the time she got engaged at start of December 2011. He refuses to answer how many times it happened. I have since through further searching his phone found out that many people at his work know about the affair and everytime I walked into that office with my two kids they were probably laughing behind my back at me. All the emails I have found since I found out about the affair between the two of them they have joked how they are shift deleting everything so I don't find them. I feel like my heart has been ripped out and smashed into a thousand pieces. I feel nothing towards him. He tries to cuddle me or show me any affection and I feel nothing in return. I just don't know how the future is going to pan out. Everyone keeps saying I have to think of the kids, which I am, but I don't want to stay in a marriage with no trust and lies either.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

I am so sorry that you have been deceived and lied to in such a serious and hurtful way, and for so long.

You husband is unrepresented, and that makes it difficult to have any kind of healing. What is more significant is that you have seem to come to the end of your emotional line and have lost your love for him.

I know that many friends and family members will urge counselling and reconciliation, but this will not work if he is not repentant and you don't want him anymore. You must follow your heart. If you feel that you cannot love him anymore for what he has done, and that you don't feel right about pursuing reconciliation, then skip that step and go directly to the divorce attorney. Get the best terms you can gt for the child support and settlement,

You may change your mind along the way, but you probably will not. Keep an open mind, but follow your feelings. The children will survive better with visitation than living in a broken home with anger and fighting going on incessantly.

I wish you courage and resolve.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC NCC, CCMHC
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