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Read the trilogy I wrote?
I feel for you my friend and I believe you are on target. Yes I enjoyed the trilogy.
At the end of the day this is such a grey area and no one is right or wrong, buuut
I'm lost in this situation
believe I'm on target?
it all comes down to feelings and you are right it is not about right and wrong...it is about mutuality and respect of each ones feelings
yes you are on target
It's tough....awesome girl, great qualities, intelligent and very attractive
She is very type A and believes I'm trying to control her and my request is extreme that I ask her not to stay the night
I'm trying to make her choose
yes and I am sure those qualities can be said about you as well
I dont see that.
lol ask the ex (jk)
in a relationship we dont stay the night with the opposite sex even if we are friends
I told her I'm uncomfortable and she said no it's that I don't trust her
just curious but why not? I agree with you but wondering your rationale
I dont see that...I really dont
its one of those unwritten rules....code of relationship
I wouldnt even think of that and I wouldnt be comfortable doing it or letting mine do it....notice I slipped and said letting...that tells you my feelings about it
I can see her point that she says I don't trust her in one way
cause if it was a female I would be ok with it
now if you came to me and said because of my past relationship issue...and her cheating on me, I am a wreck all the time and I am jealous and crazy everywhere then we would be having a different conversation, but that is not what is happening
when actually I believe our place is at home with each other 99% of the time
its not about trust but it is about the male female thing...I truly get your view
My past effects me
but I accepted them beings friends
knew I had to get past it
yes and that makes you incredible!
and that was just a line I didn't want to cross
because you are evolved. give yourself some major credit here.
you do trust her but it makes you uncomfy and that is okay and the point is to get her to understand that....but you may have to lay off a bit so she can come to a place of understanding
without feeling like you are controlling her
O I have pushed to hard
Feel like she has pushed back very hard to have it her way
I dont know that you have, but she feels that way
Well when I say pushed to hard
brought it up to much, addressed it to much
should let the dust settle more
not for you but for her maybe
and both needs in a realtionship need to be met
this is true
I don't feel resolution
make sense? your need it to talk about it until you feel resolved and hers is to feel like its enough already
like she wants the walls black I want them white but we still haven't decided on the color (if that makes sense)
exactly and that is why you want to talk about it more....makes sense to me
total sense to me too with your analogy
so if you cant decide on the paint color you step back for a bit
Best I had and tried using with her at the time, but think she is very fed up with it and I agree with stepping back
and mayeb in a bit you can write it all in a letter and she can read it and not feel "pressured" to respond or defend
part of the problem is she is moving out to allow us to work on other issues
not cheating or anything of that nature but more just differences that I believe she is holding onto
yikes what does that mean
it got rough
thought it was over
before the dust could settle she signed a lease
I asked her to wait and let the dust settle but she signed it 6 days after the fall out and I asked her to still stay
i am not in love with her being very reactive and not giving time to things
but she said we need this, we need space, we need time to heal
told her I don't need the space, I just need to work on things together and move on in a positive direction. I can make it work as long as we do it in a positive manner together, but she needs the space to let go of things as we work on things
As a Dad you have learned these skills and this could be a difference between the two of you...where she may be a little less mature...that is not a slight to her, but rather just that you have different styles
Well some of my incite (my own perception) is that she has a mom who is type A, single for forty years, stubborn who she is somewhat like
not sure about this one
lover he to death but it could be ice cream......as much as you love it, it's not always good for you
not sure meaning what
you are funny
be like ice cream
what I mean?
about her mom?
no about not sure about this one...meaning is the relationship worth saving?
She is very worth it
ok then you will do what needs to be done to make it work
but I believe there is a realization that someone is worth it, but it doesn't mean their the right one to save
if we can compromise yes
unfortunately I feel as if she had boundaires coming into the relationship
I had boundaries
yes and i hear your willingness but i worry about her ability there....and now that you told me she is moving out I worry
and she has said with a lot of things that we will not create a new boundary together, but rather the relationship will take on my boundaries
why do you worry?
because i dont hear a lot of ability on her part to feel your perspective and respond to it.
sometimes in a relationship we have to give over for the sake of someone else. If we do that all the time then that is not right but sometimes we have to
Well she said she would walk a fine line and be careful with it
but she said if he called her next week and wanted to come hang out she wouldn't say no
well that makes me feel better
he would be driving 1.5 hours
so if he stayed the night she wouldn't say no cause it's her friend
ok and thats fine because you said you are okay with it but you are not okay with a sleepover date!!!
I said if he calls and wants to stay and he knows we are working on it and seeing each other throughout the week
why can't she tell him she is staying at my house or me at hers, but he is more than welcome to still come
let him come and then go home...period end of story for me!
different if you were still living together and you said hey bud you are drunk..hers a pillow grab the couch
heres a pillow...sorry typo
I guess what I see is that her mom thinks like this
her mom is an awesome strong woman
I am with you on this one...fully
but one who shares views much different of the norm within our society
my gf believes that who cares what people think (which I agree) but I have tried to show her this is not extreme and is 95% of the time not acceptable
to me it shows an immaturity in being in a relationship because that is more colleg like than adult like
its not about what others think...it is about what YOU feel when she does this and her respecting those feelings and not wanting to cause you grief. She can hang with him but she wont have any pain by having him go home so why not give that to you...it just doesnt make sense to me
well he lives an hour fifteen away and it's splitting hairs to her
meaning treating a friend different
a female could do it so why can't he if nothing is going on
and if I trust her
maybe I'm stubborn cause that just doesnt make a difference to me
so lets just say this...you and I are on the same page...you and her feel differently around this. can you let it play out for a bit and see how you feel? In the end it will come down to whether you can tolerate it if she wont make that change
agreed on that
I have questioned ending it when she moves out
I love her but we are early 30s, dating 26 months and she needs to take a step back
dont rush...take some time to see how it feels
and I didn't see it coming
two kids I'm worried about who love her, she is great to them, they don't see the issues, but she can't be walking in and out
and concerned if things get tough again whether now or in marriage could she stay and make it work
I agree I should let the dust settle and see how it goes
yes and I didnt even think of that....she needs to think of that and them too and her reaction to the problems and her leaving does worry me.
but I want you to stick it out and work on things...see how it feels.
I agree with that.
it has been so tough cause she signed the lease five weeks ago
we hang out with friends and get along great
you are a loving guy and the break may help..we just dont know yet
they don't understand how we seem so happy
nor do I understood how two people can be so in love but not be able to figure it out
understand not understood lol
anyway time will tell
you might be able to...time will tell. I just want for you to feel validated about your feelings
so give her that space, trust her as you do and see how it all goes
and take care of your beautiful kids
hard to argue with that
thanks for the chat
love that! :-)
if I hit save an exit will it save this?
it has been my pleasure. Please come back to me anytime...you can request me. If you have found me to be helpful please click accept
this thread should remain in your account.
save and exit is not an accept for me
ok got it. thank you