How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Dr. Mark Your Own Question
Dr. Mark
Dr. Mark, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 5334
Experience:  Dr. Mark is a PhD in psychology helping with relationships
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dr. Mark is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

I have been married for one year, before that me and my wife

Resolved Question:

I have been married for one year, before that me and my wife dated for 4 years. At the start of our relationship I told my girlfriend (at that time) that she was not the love of my life and that I wasn't crazy in love with her, and that I wanted to end our relationship. I have been the only partner she has been with. I love her and care a lot about her, that's why I felt like telling her the truth about my feelings. It was hard because she is truly a wonderful person. Naturally she fell apart with this news, cried and said I wasn't being fair. She told me that love is not about feeling crazy in love , but that love was beyond that..that once that crazyness was gone there were other things that matters such as trust, common interest, love for each other family, things that we were having during that time as boyfriend/girlfriend and nowadays we still have as wife and husband. I felt I was being honest at the time with her and myself. She told me, if our relationship ended she would stop being my friend and forget about me since she thought that was the only way she could actually heal herself if the relationship was over. I felt scared/frighten to hear this reaction ... and gave in to continuing the relationship because it was hard for me to know that i would not have her in my life, not even as a friend or in anyway. From that time now things were ok, we get along eventhough we were having a long distance relationship for almost 2 years but I occasionally feel the same way about her, it got far to the part that we got married and she even moved from our home country to where i am currently studying to start our family together (not apart anymore).

I feel I will hurt her more one day, when I meet someone that I feel is the love of my life.. I care a lot about her and I don't want to hurt her. I don't know if this is psychological problem? I was raised with parents that had serious marriage problems. After we got married we were apart for 6 months (I was studying aboard) I did meet a friend that I felt met my idea of love ,but I didn't do anything with this other person because I feel cheating is wrong ,, but part of me wanted to because it reminded me of this type of love I originally talked to my wife about it. I don't know if I am confused or insecure, at night I have trouble sleeping thinking why I didn't fight for my ideas on love. Who is to say how love should work, isn't it subjective? At the present I talked to my wife about this ...she feels very sad to hear I still think about love this way and also because we analyze our marriage and see that we do not have any issues living together, we get along and spent quality time as any newlywed couple should. The talk of divorce came up because since I felt I didnt want to hurt her one day in the future.

Please Help.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Mark replied 5 years ago.

Hi! I believe I can be of help with this issue.

I can imagine how confusing and distressing this situation must be for you. You are right: this siltation has the potential to lead to disaster. If you two have children and you are this uncommitted to your wife, it will not take another woman much at some point to completely throw you off balance. And as you get older, with more responsibilities, more tired, more stresses, more worries, if you are not basing your life on a foundation of strength, you will be thrown off balance more and more easily. So that woman you met will become other women and it will not be as easy to resist when you have all those pressures on you at home.

The question is not whether "love" is one way or another. It's not a question whether her more traditional, old world view of love is correct. Or your more "movie" definition of love (where there are sparks flying between the two people) is correct. There is no correct definition of the correct style of love. It is what gives you the foundation you need to whether life's difficulties that counts. And for you, that sparks definition of love is what is most meaningful and emotionally nurturing and satisfying. Your wife may be right: after a couple of years with Ms. Sparks in your eyes you may find that she's not so sparkly in the morning without her makeup and with a couple of kids and everyone under pressure and stress.

But you have signaled to yourself and to me pretty strongly that if you don't find out for yourself, you will always feel as if you missed out on life. That your foundation will never be strong. You'll have built your life on regrets.

So I have no way to encourage you to stay in this situation when you still have a chance to leave before there are kids involved. My main concern is not to have you write back to me when you have kids saying that you feel trapped and like you have missed the boat (I get those letters). Or that you have kids and feel trapped because you just met the most exciting woman in the world and you don't know if you can keep yourself from going after her (I get those letters also).

Okay, I wish you the very best!

Please remember to click the green accept button because: even though you have made a deposit, I do not get paid for my time unless you press ACCEPT. You are not charged anything more than the deposit you already made by pressing ACCEPT. Feel free to continue the discussion even after pressing ACCEPT as my goal is to get you the best answer possible. Bonuses are always appreciated! If I can be of further help with any issue now or in the future, just put "for Dr. Mark" in the front of your new question, and I'll be the one to answer it. All the best, XXXXX XXXXX

Dr. Mark and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you