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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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I had a bad breakup with my ex in which she ended up hating

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I had a bad breakup with my ex in which she ended up hating and bad mouthing me. To make the long story short, her ex boyfriend tried to frame me in some issue and she took her side since we were long distance and couldn't proper defend myself, even her family became involved and they all knew it wasn't me but something her ex was doing but she decided not to listen. She's now dating him and I had no idea about her life or anything, 2 weeks ago I get an email from her saying she didn't want to end things badly, that she cared for me and I was someone important in her life. The emails started to become more frequent and she said flirty things and was totally another person. She never mentioned her boyfriend at all and I didn't see it as correct since I respect other people relationships. We exchanged around 80 and I decided to call her one day, she was all nervous and shy talking to me but it was very cordial conversation. She said things like she thought of me when saw some movies, send me kisses and all those things that are wrong if you're in a relationship. Why would she come all of a sudden to that attitude? I care for her but don't have those feelings anymore, decided to send her some flowers just because I wanted to have that detail as appreciation for all she did for me. After that she became all serious and said didn't want things to be misinterpreted, I told her I was fine that don't worry and didn't hear from her since 5 days ago that we had the conversation. Why all of a sudden passing from hating to caring, saying that I'll always be important for her. Never once she mentioned her boyfriend and even told a mutual friend that lives in my country that she wanted to come but never mentioned me and I don't even ask about her. Any professional comments?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
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Dear friend,

Since you no longer have any romantic feelings for this woman, then this is, in a sense,an exercise in futility. Her relationship with the new boyfriend seems to be in trouble or about to end. You are her insurance policy - she thinks. You have stated to me that you are done with her in that way.

Nevertheless, you sent her flowers and this gives her the wrong message. She is interested in coming back to your country to see you. She didn't state that but she told it to your friend. You are the main attraction for her. If you are done with her, then let her know in no uncertain terms.

If you don't want to start back with her, then now is the time to make it clear to her. Otherwise you may find her back in your life again.

Remember, if you give her any encouragement you may find yourself back with her. It this is what you want then you are on the right track. If not, then you need to apply the brakes now.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Elliott, thanks for your detailed response. I care for her but I believe sometimes you have to think in yourself first and look for the best interest in your own benefit. I don't think going back to the relationship would be very wise at the time. I'm single so I had no issue in flirting back but never mentioned to get back together or for her to leave her boyfriend or anything, with the flowers after she got all weird and dry I told her not to look for a second meaning.

I'm going to her city for a quick visit to some friends and I'd like to visit her family. They were always very good to me and forever will appreciate their treatment. Just going to say hi and that's it, don't even want to go to her house because if she arrives with her current boyfriend that can be awkward and I'd rather avoid any issues.

Should I tell her I'm coming or just do my thing and not contact her? She's in a relationship and I wouldn't like my girlfriend to go see her ex or something similar so I won't look for her. I'm glad that we now are in good terms because it was a very rough fight and not a nice way to end something that was good.

Even though if she fights with he boyfriend or whatever, what can urge someone to contact back the way she did and after the flowers get all weird again? I won't try to understand her because I'll go crazy but like the professional point of view of some outside party. She was the one who broke up and stated we wouldn't get back together, what kind of satisfaction is there for her becoming all flirty and then all serious? Is this some regular conduct of pass relationships, with my other exes we don't even email or anything and that's fine but with this one when I thought I'd never hear back from her again she comes up.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Dear friend,

Visit her family. Have closeure with them. Don't tell her you are coming and don't visit her. Your attitude is the correct one. Perhaps she has had second thoughts, but that is not your concern any more. It is over. You have walked away and now is not the time to rekindle anything. You sound like you are well in control of the situation and I agree with your plan.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Dear friend,

I hope you have made a firm plan and will stick to it.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC