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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Hi, Its been now over a month since Ive split up with my

Customer Question

It’s been now over a month since I’ve split up with my ex-boyfriend. And the pain is still constant and at times, excruciating. I see an analyst now once a week but it doesn’t provide me with enough containment to be able to function adequately on a day to day basis. I am still unable to be objective about what has really happened in my relationship to be able to assume responsibility for my part and leave what belongs to him. However, I can see a clear patter to being drawn to unavailable men and recognise that I need to work on my self-esteem and deal with the childhood issues (though not sure how and how long it’ll take), I am also willing to accept that, perhaps, I am also not available to a committed relationship, though I don’t really see it yet.
What causes me a great deal of pain now is follows:
Have I made the right decision? He had the qualities that are very important to me: honesty, loyalty, kindness, reliability.
Saying that, his conversation about not mixing sex & love,
and having a “kind of block” initiating making love to me (as he saw me his “little baby”), while being able to be a “good lover” with the women he didn’t love, were excruciatingly painful.
On another occasion, trying again to understand something about his sexuality, he described in general terms how he made love to other women trying to anticipate their needs. I froze inside with the pain hearing that. He didn’t seem to understand that this sort of discourse can be very painful to hear. When I objected, he said that I had to accept that he had had the past. Or once he told me that he had not been waiting for 30 years doing nothing. He also would reiterate to me that I was not the first woman he loved (but 4 or 5) and, for some reason, this what I felt like: one of many or the 5th. I was the only woman he declared his love. I felt special until he added: that was because I reciprocated his feeling and that the circumstances were right, which was very deflating to hear.
So, I can’t say the above is form of abuse but what was it? Because it hurt very badly? Can you please clarify that?
The last occasion when I felt hurt was at a party (we were quite merry): his friend made a pass at me kissing my feet and lifting my bikini to see my private parts, he didn’t interfere. He said that these things happened: his friend has been very lonely and I had been very affectionate and both of us were drunk. I am still very bewildered and confused at this strange reaction: “magnanimous and understanding”. How come he was not jealous at all?
So, still rather confused and find it difficult to let go of him. Miss his good bits: kind, caring, affectionate..
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

You may be making the mistake that a lot of women make. We often ignore the bad qualities of a partner and focus on the good qualities. What you are describing is someone very insensitive and even narcissist. When someone is narcissistic they always put their needs first and the needs of the partner come second. Their ability to bond wit others is limited by their capacity to do so. They live life and relationships as self serving. His ability to excuse his friend's actions are very consistent because the harm was not done to him. The fact that you were emotionally wounded did not produce a reaction because the insult was directed at you. Please explore the term narcisstic and see if it applies. As far as missing him remember that when you take the good you take the bad too. He doesn't sound like a partner that has your best interest at heart.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for your answer. I agree, that he may lack empathy, I am familiar with a narcissist definition. Strangely, I never thought of him to be one, as I thought that he was a sensitive man, as he often cried, what I thought was sympathising/empathising with me. May be I was wrong, perhaps, he was crying about himself..He also used to say because he was so sensitive he used to get upset when I was upset and would try to help, I always thought that he was very KIND...

Now looking back, I remember whenever I tried to share somthing personal with him he would relate it to his ex-girfriends.

For example: I had a breast cancer, one of his exes, female friends also had

I said that I was very said that I didn't have any children, he said one of his female friends was crying on a New Year, why such details?, as she didnd't have any children either

I told him that I was abused - he said that one of his ex-girflriends was abused too..(at this point I regretted my revelation to him)

I said that I'd like to meditate - he said that one of his ex or female friends had had a good results in meditation..

this was very frustrating to me..I said that perhaps he should put me in touch with his exes and female friends as they would be able to empathise with me, since he couldn't, without having a direct experience..

Was I really so mistaken? He was not a taker, taker..He does seem to care of his friends and, definetely, what they thought of him.....He was thoughtful of his friends, family and mother, always reliable, loyal...Doesn't seem quite to fit in the narcissistic type...

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
He does seem to have a very complex personality. I am concerned that he relates to your problems but only within his own life - involving his friends. That is mildly self absorbed but I trust your judgment. You could be mistaken; they are very clever. It is possible that maybe he doesn't know how to relate to the problems you mentioned and instead draws on what he knows. Some people just don't know how to relate to serious problems and they try to find what is familiar to them. They are more awkward than narcisstic.
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