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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hi, I am a soldier currently serving in afghanistan. During

Customer Question


I am a soldier currently serving in afghanistan. During my tour I have started to see a girl (also a soldier) who is posted to the camp I'm on. At first it was just coffee and chats, but there was a clear connection and things quickly became physical.
During our relationship she has tried to cool it as that sort of thing is frowned upon, I've complied and no matter how hard we tried we always ended up in bed together.
We have since made plans to meet up on our leave, well today in fact. And made plans to holiday to Vietnam, and Germany, and continue our relationship when we returned from tour.

Unfortunately she has a jealous and possessive ex, he is also out in afghan. She has said there's nothing going on between them since I've been on the scene, he has been stalking her and pestering her. She went to tell him she's going to sell the flat and has moved on to me - he managed to talk her into giving him another chance. I was devastated. I gave her space, and less than 6 hours later she got in touch saying she'd made the wrong decision and that I was the one for her. She apologised for messing me around saying she would never do that to me again, and the fact she chose me shows how strong her feelings for me are. The ex then emails me an essay, pleading for answers from me, and stating that she's ruined his life, don't let her do the same, etc. and actually said some pretty awful things about her. I ignored him. He sent her tirades of abuse via email, text, and even stormed into her room in the middle of the night to take back a present he'd given her, leaving her a rattled and distressed.

We were on, properly, she was prepared to tell her chain of command that we were an item, as well as her soldiers. We were calling, emailing, texting, seeing each other, envy night together. She said she had fallen for me and I said the same. This bliss continued up until we went on rnr. The night she was due to fly home, I had nothing from her, nothing until the next morning, when she sent me an email telling me that it was over. She'd gone to the flat to pick up her things before going home, and realised that she couldn't leave all this behind. Apparently. I asked her to call me, and she said, nope this was it. 2 emails which didn't even read like she'd written them was all I was given. Stating she was wrong to f**k me and she was driven by lust and didn't care for me. Bearing in mind she said she was missing me so much it hurt!
A few minutes later, I get another email, this time from the ex, gloating about how he's proposed, and telling me to dry my eyes. This continued for a few days, him sending me messages and twisting the knife. I've since blocked his email.
I go back this week, she a week later, we have 8 weeks left in afghan. My question is, well should I walk away (what my friends and head are telling me) or do I try and win her back? I've fallen in love with this girl, and don't want to let her go. However this insecure, jealous and abusive ex manages to reel her back in, I'm assuming with guilt judging by how insecure he is.

Thanks for your help
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. She is obviously being pressured and possibly threatened by her ex. Before you make a definite decision on what to do, talk to her when you both are back in Afghanistan. I think you should probably lean towards leaving her and walking away, but you still need to hear directly from her. Because she is so easily influenced, your conversation should not have a goal of pressuring her to change her mind, but rather for you to just get answers. Chances are that you Maya very well be able to talk her back into wanting to be with you, but she really needs to make that decision on her own. I know it will be very difficult to not try to get her back because of the feelings you have for her, but don't you want her to make the choice on her own? She has already shown she is capable of influence and if that game starts all over again, her ex will certainly want to play. Do your best to leave her alone. Let her come after you. While I believe two people in love should pursue their love, I also think that having to pursuade someone to be with you shows they may not feel true love. True love cannot be denied, nor influenced.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for that advice. It was great.
Well I've let her come to me, she emailed me a couple of days ago. I was out when I received it, and didn't reply till the next day - we had a back and forth for about 2 hours. He has been detained in a mental health ward and refusing to speak to her. I asked where do we go - she said leave her to sort her messed up head and messed up life out. I told her that she'd get no pressure from me. I also said I'm not bothered by the messages from the boyfriend. As I said it came with the job (I'm a MP), she came back with but it's not your job to have the girl you like act all crazy - I said I liked her enough that it didn't matter. Reading between the lines, she's not happy, she's 'stuck at home doing nothing' and 'can't wait to get back.'

The conversation ended - and I've now been blocked. She doesn't want me to talk to her for some reason - my theory is, he's out and back, she doesn't want him to know she's been talking to me or hear her phone beep.
He's literally made himself ill over all of this, he'll be ruining the relationship far better than I ever could (not that I would).

Trouble is, I can't shake the anxiety of it all. Do you have any advice/thoughts?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Oh, the conversation didn't end with the 'leave me to sort...' we had a few more emails for that. She said she was off to the hairdressers, then the last one was 'no hair left!' and then blocked. The conversation didn't end normally, just stopped halfway through.
Sorry I just thought I'd add that for clarity.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
It definitely sounds like he is back in the influential part of this whole thing. She is right in needing time to sort this mess out. She is probably scared of this other guy, he sounds scary! I Know it is difficult to not be anxious about all of this, but you should want to stay as far away from this as possible for the time being. There is a lot of drama here that you definitely don't need in your life. I would be more worried about her safety at this point. You are going to just have to be strong about the whole thing and try not to let it concern you that much. I know its easier said than done, but there is really nothing you can do anyway. You can't control this situation at all which may be where your anxiety lies. Just wait it out and hopefully, she can sort this out. It sounds like he will be very difficult to get rid of, if that is her intention. She just doesn't know what to do or how to do it. Leave her to work on that. That is really all you can do.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The advantage is, and I should of mentioned is that when she comes back to afghan he will be out the picture. He's finished there now and will be stuck in the uk and unable to influence her in person. Hopefully by spending time close to me, she can find the strength to leave him properly.
I'm not going to chase her of course not, but I'm going to show what a strong, mature man is like and treat her as an equal. That should draw her to me. And allow her to do that in her own time.
I get the impression that she knows she has ruined her 2 weeks off by saying, not been out, and can't wait to get back.
Do you have any thoughts?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
I think you are 100% correct. My only concern would be, and I don't know your deployment arrangements, but she lives in the UK? She will be going home at some point, yes? I'm just wondering about how long you are both in the military and how that will effect the future and if this guy will be around where she is from. Of course, that's a ways down the road, maybe years?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well, she's just told me that we're back on. They're finished. Thank you so much for your help!
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Great! Let me know if I can help you any further! Good luck and thank you for your service!