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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have been with my partner for 23 yrs whom I love, but Im

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I have been with my partner for 23 yrs whom I love, but I'm finding really hard to be with them. I have become with drawn and try to avoid any sexual contact. Everytime which is not alot i do not enjoy my partner touching me in a sexual way. I feel really bad about this, I don't want to hurt them or disappoint them. I know I should talk to them but I can't I know it will break their heart. I have felt like this for a long time acouple of years buts its really getting to me. Is it possible to change the way I feel?
Hello. While you should eventually talk to your partner, you need to figure out some more information for yourself first. You did not say why you thought your physical attraction has changed. Have you tried to determine a specific cause? Did they gain weight, or change in a physical way which is less attractive to you? Have they become boring as a person overall ins the relationship which makes you lose interest? Do you feel that you may have a medical reason such as stress or medication that may influence your sex drive? Are you attracted to other people, or have you lost all interest in physical attraction? You need to analyze the situation and come to somewhat of a general conclusion as to why, then you can work on what to do about it based on the findings. Do you WANT to change the way you feel? You asked if it was possible, so I am assuming you do. Have you thought about spicing up your sex life by doing some different things, or you just aren't,'t interested in any physical interaction at all? Getting to the root of the reasons as to why this is happening is the key to finding a solution.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I feel really bad about this and it makes me feel sick to the stomach, but i think it could be down to the age gap between us. I'm 40 and my partner is 58 it was never a problem before but now we are having conversations about retirement and selling the house for pension reasons etc. its really freaking me out, the fun side of our relationship is diminishing fast and everything seems to be serious all the time. my partner is very possessive and constantly accuses me of having affairs. I do not have my own friends or socialize with people of my own age. If i go out with work its painful, leading up to the event gets very difficult and 8 out of 9 times i end up canceling or not going to avoid arguments. The thing is i do not feel physically attractive and do not have any desires for the physical side. My partner has gone through the menapharse and this has'nt helped. Sex has be come difficult and she bleeds afterwoods, this makes me feel very uncomtable especialy when i have been so gentle, i dont undertand! I know it's my problem but I don't know how to change. i'm missed out that i'm gay i'm not sure if that changes anything. i'm really scared to end the relationship i know it will distroy her and i could not live with that. i dont deal with gilt very well.
I think that you need to work on a few things. First, is this the person who you really want to be with for the rest of your life? Does she make you happy enough to want to work on the problems that you have or do you want to walk away?? If you answer that with yes, you do want to stay and work on things, then you have to look at things differently.
The relationship that you have is moving into another phase, it does not have to mean that the fun part is over. Retirement can be a lot of fun! You have to change your attitude about things like that first. Try to get the fun back. Go on a get away trip or something, maybe some dates, etc. All relationships can get dull if you let them.
You say that she is jealous and that you cancel going out with work friends to avoid arguments. You also say you do not feel sexually attractive. Both of these statements would indicate some self esteem and trust issues. You both should talk about these types of things in your relationship and how to fix them. These situations are not as threatening as the sex conversation, so you should be able to handle this. Why is she uncomfortable about you going out? If she does not trust you, then find out what the root of that problem is and work on that.
Basically, you have a lot of issues that you need to work on one thing at a time, working up to the sex issue that you have the biggest problem with. There is more here than just that, and these other little issues can equal and cause the bigger problem.
She should also find out what the problem is with the bleeding. Perhaps seeing a Dr about that would be beneficial. That is also a legitimate "concern" that you can bring up and you can say it like that as well. it doesn't have to be an issue that you feel uncomfortable with. Just tell her that you are worried something is wrong and that you wish she would have it checked out.
I might also recommend some counseling for both of you if you feel that these issues are a bit overwhelming to handle on your own. Sometimes seeing someone face to face and discussing some of your worries can help diminish them as well.
So, while your main problem and question is about the sexual attractiveness and physical activity, i think there is a bit more going on here that also needs to be addressed in the relationship as a whole. These underlying issues most certainly can cause someone to physically withdraw from the other person.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I think the main problem is im not strong enough, i have tried to get her to see a doctor and she said she will if it happens again. i know i need to speak with somebody but i am too gutless and embarressed to do so. i know i am to blame for the failings in my relationship thats why it hurts so much. I'm currently traveling with work right now and talking about this is made me fell even more depressed. i know i have to step up my game and be honest but it just feels so dame hard. i'm a bit of a mess right now. so i just want to say thank you Dr Paige for your help its much appriciated.

Kind Regards