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I always tought that my relationship with my son was good,

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but we grow apart what...
I always tought that my relationship with my son was good, but we grow apart what can I do to have better comunication with my son, he always avoid me
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 4 minutes by:
3/3/2012
Counselor: Dr-A-Green, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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How old is he? What is the history of your relationship together? Does he live in or out of the home?
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
He is 19. He lives out the of the house. I tought always that the relationship was good but I think that with my work I had a lot of stress and I pass this over to him
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I did not get an answer to the second question you asked me
Counselor: Dr-A-Green, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
Okay - so your relationship was good while he was living in the home, I am assuming. You mentioned your work and the stress - how do you mean that you passed it over to him? Has he given you some indication that this is the case?
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
When he was living at home that is when I pass the stress over to him that is when he went abroad to study, but I can not get him to comunicate with me, I always did everything for him buy him anything he wants but the stress was to much for him I think that he does not want to be home
Counselor: Dr-A-Green, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hmmm - this sounds like a complex problem that may have been many years in the making. When you try to communicate with him, how do you do it? By phone, in person, by email?

Additionally, 19 is a difficult age, as I'm sure you are aware. He may just be going through a period of adjustment that has little to do with you. The late teens and early twenties are a period of experimentation & he may just be caught up in his own identity right now as well.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I call him every day, but he always ask me to call him back later, cause he is busy, also I ping him telling him that I love him, then he answer me back.
Counselor: Dr-A-Green, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Okay - well it may just be a case of him attempting to individuate - to establish his own adult identity away from the parental unit. This is normal for someone his age and I don't think it should be viewed as something that is necessarily pathological unless he has somehow indicated that it is.

Calling him every day might be too much contact for him right now at this stage in his life. The late teens and early twenties are a fiercely independent time (for most boys, anyway) and the continued contact might just be too frequent for him. Have you considered a less direct form of communication like email or text message? This would allow him to respond on his own time table. Or, have you tried cutting down to several phone calls per week rather than every day?

Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
I think that you have a point 100%, but how can I let him know that I love him very much and that he can always count on me, for what ever problem that he has and that I like to be his friend that he can tell me anything and that I will never judge him.
Counselor: Dr-A-Green, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Well, you can always say that in an email or a card. Luckily, by virtue of you being his parent, he probably already knows this. When we're his age we take for granted a lot of things (health, family, safety) - it's just part of growing up. Eventually he will come around to appreciating the depth of his familial relationships again - it just might be a few years. It sounds like you are very caring and open - he is lucky to have you. If you remain open to him whenever he asks for assistance (without pestering him too much!) he will come to you when he needs you. The bond between parent and son is like no other.

He'll come around.

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you for the information, just one last question how can I give him the space that he needs without worrying all the time.
Counselor: Dr-A-Green, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Oh my goodness! That's a question for the ages, I'll tell you. If I could answer that one, I'd be a genius sought out by millions...Smile I wish I could alleviate some of the stress there, but I have a feeling that every parent goes through this during this stage with their kids. The best strategy that I've seen is just to stay in contact on a regular (though not too regular) basis. For example, some parents have an agreement with their kids that they will touch base every Sunday afternoon. It gives the child some space, but it ensures that the parents know what's going on from week to week. Another thing you can do for yourself is to get together with other empty-nesters and talk to each other. It will probably provide some comfort without putting the burden on your son.

Finally, the biggest thing I would suggest is to do something nice for yourself. Do something pampering and congratulate yourself on being a good parent. Your son's distance is actually a sign that you've done a lot of things right!

Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 309
Experience: Clinical and Forensic Psychologist
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Dr-A-Green and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you
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Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green
Dr-A-Green, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 309
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