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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Sorry this is so long. I am 61 years old, my husband just

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Sorry this is so long.
I am 61 years old, my husband just turned 70. We have been married for 31 years. This is his second marriage, my first.

Early in our marriage my husband surprised me when he suggested we involve another person in our intimate relationship. He suggested another man. He said that since I had had no previous experience with men prior to our marriage, I might enjoy this. He suggested he would get pleasure in watching. I said “no”, I wasn’t interested.
Around that time, I came home from shopping one Saturday to have him tell me that he had phoned some sort of escort service that sent out men and had tentatively made arrangements for the three of us to get together that evening. He was waiting for me to come home to finalize this. Again, I said no and told him to stop suggesting this.

After that, our sex life dwindled to just about nothing, in fact, completely to nothing for about 10 years. Then, while on vacation, we talked about our situation and became intimate once again. Shortly after that, he suggested that perhaps meeting another couple would spice things up. I told him I thought that such an activity would completely destroy us.

We had a reasonable sex life for the next few years. However, for the past 5 years, he has insisted that when we are making love he can only achieve an erection if he thinks about me having sex with another man. Thinking that this is probably quite a common fantasy for men, I went along with it. I also went along with watching adult films/pornography involving couples/swingers and two men with one woman.

Then, while on vacation while back, he started picking out men on the beach or in bars and asking me if this one or that would suit me. I have told him that none would suit me but that I understand his need for the fantasy. I, however, do not know how seeing me with someone else would be exciting for him. Recently we discussed this situation at length and I reminded him of the time he called the escort service. He then told me that he had lied to me at the time, that he had not called anyone. I asked him why he let me think that for all these years and he did not have an answer. He did assure me, though, that he was not testing me in any way. Now, I’m not so sure.

Lately the need to include this fantasy in our love-making is constant. If he does not get satisfaction/cannot achieve an orgasm, he says it is because he does not get the feeling that I am really into this. Furthermore, every vacation we go on now involves this ongoing conversation. I have suggested going on vacation with friends or other family members but he says that if we do that, it will hinder our progress in looking for a man for me. When I remind him that this is just fantasy and that at my age, finding a man who would be interested in me that way would be damn near impossible, he says that unless he believes that this can really happen, he cannot get any satisfaction out of our love making.

I have tried really hard to play my part in what I see as a fantasy but more and more I feel it is not fantasy for him. Recently it occurred to me that he might be trying to get me to have sex with someone else because he has had an affair during our marriage and this would even the score.

Evening the score played a big part in the demise of his first marriage. His first wife thought he was having an affair so she had one. When he found out, he had an affair to get back at her.

I am very confused, very tired of play acting and quite concerned that I might find myself in a very difficult situation one day because he does not seem to be able to distinguish fantasy from reality.

Is any of this normal? Is there any way to shut this down? And, at 70, how much longer is he likely to want to have sex? He has tried Viagra and Cialis but, even with that medicinal assistance, he cannot achieve orgasm unless he feels I am really buying into this “other man” situation.

I don’t have anyone else that I can discuss this with – friends and family would be shocked to know about this. I hope you can help me to understand and deal with this better.

I can only help you from a therapist's point of view. ED and medications for ED is best addressed by a doctor.


It seems that he has become sexually addicted to this fantasy and this is causing him to constantly bring this to you. When someone becomes obsessed with a fantasy the other person's needs are not considered. It is all about fulfilling this fantasy. He is the only one who knows where this originated or why. There may not even be a reason. Sexuality is a very personal part of our personality. He seems to be obsessed with having high risk sex either you or the both of you. You have to stick by your guns because anything that you agree to do will be along these lines.


Porn and other vehicles is less intrusive than involving you with other partners. The best resolution to this issue is to have him see a sex therapist. He has to of course want to learn why this is so important. The next best solution is to involve a couples counselor to see you both. He has to realize that this is hindering your relationship. This is a complex issue that has to be explored over time. A therapist can explore the issue of sexual addiction.


This obsession may have been born of his previous marriage but he has to be willing to resolve this now to be fair to you


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