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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have had a girlfriend off and on for 12 years. She has 4

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I have had a girlfriend off and on for 12 years. She has 4 kids that I have been around for almost their entire lives. We got engaged about 4 years ago but the couples shower and wedding came and went and did not happen because of her. She claims to want to be with me but we argue more often and more intense. She seems unreasonable to me and irrational. I know I've done somethings wrong but the root of the problem is lack of trust and difference in beliefs. I know this probably should've been realized much earlier in the relationship but the kids were babies and it just didn't happen then. How do we determine if we should keep doing this or not? We both seem very unhappy to me. She admits being unhappy but is convinced that I could change and make her happy. Should we go to therapy even though we're not married?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. I would definitely recommend counseling, it does not matter if you are married or not. You both need to learn how to communicate with each other better without fighting. You say that she wants you to change to make her happy. Both people in a relationship need to be able to meet each others needs to a reasonable point. She also needs to work with you for the relationship to work. It is a 50/50 situation and should never be one way, unless you are really doing some bad things that she is referring to. Trust can be one of the most difficult things to overcome difficulty with in a relationship and usually stems from insecurities or infidelities.
Both people involved in any relationship must be happy in order for it to work out. You can't go on being miserable with each other, especially when there are kids involved. I think that if you can get her to agree to go talk to someone in person on a regular basis with you, that is a great first step to wanting to mend things. There are much deeper issues involved here and a counselor can help get to the root of those issues as to why she feels the way she does and how you both can work to fix things.
12 years is a very long time together and even though you said you took 4 months apart from each other, you need to determine if this is really what you both want for the rest of your lives. Remember, the kids deserve to be around happiness as well. Try to get her to agree to the counseling and go from there. If things don't change, I would say that you really need to consider walking away from an unhealthy and stagnant situation.
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