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Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1168
Experience:  Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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I am struggling with my desire for more sex in my marriage.

Resolved Question:

I am struggling with my desire for more sex in my marriage. My wife has very little interest. It is very frustrating and causes tension. We have discussed this at length but nothing ever changes. I am considering finding sex outside the marriage. I am very torn about this. I love my wife very much. But, I just don't understand her lack of interest.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Other.
Waited and never answered
Expert:  Dr. L replied 5 years ago.


I'd like to help you with your question.

To better respond to your question, I'd like to ask a few additional questions. Okay?

How long have you been married? Was your sex life more active, and now has decreased...or has it always been like this?

How old are each of you?


If you supply just a bit more information, I'll be better able to respond.



Dr. Levang

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
23 years. Always been like this
Expert:  Dr. L replied 5 years ago.


Well...would you be open to reading a book or two on sexuality? There are several very good books that I regularly recommend to couples with the same issue.


Have you had - or would be interested in - couple's therapy?


I do not recommend you go outside the marriage for sex. The reason being that you are giving up on the marriage, breaking your marital vows, and, ultimately harming yourself and your wife by having a "secret" life.


Sex serves a variety of roles in our lives. 1) pleasure 2) soothing our fears 3) expression of love. Which of these is what you want from sex with your wife?



Dr. L and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Expert:  Dr. L replied 5 years ago.


I'm checking in to see if you responded.

Dr. Levang

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well that's hard to say. I would say 3 comes first and then 1. I guess I also miss the fun of pursuing other women. I enjoyed the chance, the thought helps keep me alive inside.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 5 years ago.


I hoped that seeing that list stirred some thinking on your part. is exciting to think about the chase and that affirms that you are indeed alive!

So...would a richer fantasy life - that includes your wife - be an option.


I am going to recommend 2 books:

Sex is Fun - this is more of a workbook and couples find that it is not intimidating or embarrassing. It's easy to use and does a wonderful job of breaking down any barriers to the topic.


Soulful Sex. Opening your heart, body and spirit to lifelong passion. I routinely recommend this book for couples.


These books are available on line or you can order at your local bookstore.


I know going to therapy to talk about your sex life is tough. But...I have to tell you...that as a therapist, I work very hard not to make this a shameful, awkward, or embarrassing topic. We therapists have heard it all - and I mean all. We are trained to be empathetic and supportive. When we sit down to work, we are there for that couple and we do not judge. I encourage you to ask your wife if she would consider therapy. Perhaps you could share what I have said above with her.


You should be able to have a rich and fulfilling sex life. Going outside your marriage to get that would have far reaching consequences. Please read the books I've suggested and talk again with your wife about therapy.


I would be happy to chat more.


Dr. Levang

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Wife has no desire to seek help. I'm interested in the books you have suggested. However, if my wife is unwilling I guess this sucks. I just can't imagine living the rest of my life like this. My frustration level continues to rise.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 5 years ago.

I hear you on feeling frustrated about your wife's unwillingness to take your needs seriously.

Think about it this way...


Can you build a picture of a wind chime in your head?

You know - metal pipes, all held together at the top with some piece of wood or something, and hanging in place where the wind can catch them?


Okay. What happens when the teeny, tiniest breeze comes along and pushes against just one of these pipes?


As that one little pipe moves, the rest of the chimes all move too. Right?


Well, that's what happens when you make one, tiny little change in your marriage. It impacts the entire "system".


That's what I'm offering you in the books I suggested. The opportunity to read something that will make at least a teeny tiny change - that change will disrupt the system. What you are hoping for, of course, is a big change...and that may happen. start...any change in how you approach her sexually may just have the impact you are wanting.


I can't make any promises here of course. However, the Soulful Sex book may get you thinking.


As I said earlier, getting the wife to talk about sex and sexuality is difficult. However, if you can learn a few new tricks from the books, things could change for the better.


Be patient. Get the books. I would encourage you to have them visible in the bedroom. If she asks you why you have them...tell her that you want to be a better lover and that you think you may not have been the kind of lover she wanted. I'm not asking you to lie, but I'm asking you to put a different foot forward. Understand?



Customer: replied 5 years ago.
You sound like Tom Hagen in the Godfather, when he is discussing the movie part with the Hollywood producer. Understood. Yea, I understand.
Expert:  Dr. L replied 5 years ago.

I guess I should have said: capesch




Good luck!


You can check back whenever you want!


Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Soulful sex by whom?
Expert:  Dr. L replied 5 years ago.

Dr. Victoria Lee is the author.


Dr. L and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you