I think the second option of sitting down & talking may be the better one. As he won't get home until about 11pm tomorrow night the kids will be in bed & my family lives 2 hours away, so not a quick trip.
I think he would be angry with me for snooping, but after that I'm not really sure how he will react. I've never caught him in this big a lie before & I'm not really sure if he does want to stay with me.
He has been a little resistant to some of the ideas I put forward preciously about helping us get back on track, but he has been doing them none the less. These include things like organising a date night & at the end of each week telling each other 3 positive things about how the other during that week (behaviour, not physical).
He has also asked that I do more things with him like when he takes the kids out to go with him, rather than stay at home. I did explain that this was sometimes my only time alone, but I acknowledged what he wanted & made an effort to do just that on Sunday when he went out with the kids. I have also made an effort to be intimate with him more as he said the lack of sex was influending his use of porn.
So I guess that shows he does want to work on being together, but I am still scared & unsure.
I can try to remain calm, but there will probably be a few moments of crying - I have pretty much been doing that non stop since I woke up this morning. Yesterday I felt kind of numb, but today I am just hurt & angry. Mostly hurt.
I think this is still the best approach though, because if I took him to a counsellor & confronted him, I think he would feel he was ambushed, aside from the fact that he wouldn't go unless he knew why we were there.
I guess part of why I am feeling it is so hard to handle is that I haven't talked with anyone about it. He felt really strongly against my sharing the online porn/dating site stuff with my mum or my sisters. I didn't really want to share it with them anyway, as I kind of feel like a failure & I don't want to change their perceptions of him as a good husband & father.
I don't really have any friends here as we moved 18 months ago & the only friends we have are his best mate & his wife who live around the corner.
I think I will sit him down & talk to him when he gets home from work tomorrow, but I might write a few quick bullet points to make sure I don't get off topic & into an argument as that would defeat the purpose. I am a bit of a list maker - do you think making notes for myself will help?